still pregnant but back

still pregnant but back


I remember very well the day I found out that I was pregnant ( or as some say we were pregnant, even though I believe that couple is expecting a child but pregnant is only one of them ). It was 14th of february. Romantic connection is truly just a coincidence. We were taking shinkansen on our way to Beppu in Japan. I love traveling by trains and never really had a problem with one….well besides the night train with broken heating on the way from Vienna to Warszaw when the outside temperature dropped to minus 20. But if you ever were so lucky to travel by trains in Japan u know that its a synonym for comfort, hygiene and well organized EVERYTHING. So it really shocked me that I felt as if I was dying during that quiet, not shaky trip….I could actually feel every little movement of the train and each tiny “shake” made me wanna throw my stomach out. I knew something was wrong and it was not food poisoning. On the way from station to our ryokan we bought a test. Whatever the japanese letters meant, I could count those two lines and did not need a special translator. It was a shock. I know that may sound stupid as we both are old enough to know how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, but based on our almost 3 years experience we sort of understood that we can not have kids and took it as a fact. And here I am with a positive pregnancy test and confusion in my head….at that moment I could hear Mr.B’s brain working hard, just as hard as mine. Anyway I don’t believe that this is the most interesting story in the world so to make it shorter. I went through period of initial shock, to the period of not quite understanding or admitting the situation, to the moments when I even forgot about it for a short time until I physically started to feel miserable. I had one week in Vienna when I was in the bed without any possibility to move, as each movement was equal to such sort of dizziness which I never experienced before. I suppose I fought in a normal extent the most known symptoms of pregnancy except for puking. THNAK GOD, because I hate puking, I could never suffer from any eating disorder as my hater for puking is so strong that even when I really have to puke my body denies it and I can’t. During the time when I felt really really really tired and my day shrunk to 5 fully valued hours I was thinking that maybe I should use those moments when I m not moving just lying in the bed and start writing about pregnancy. But that was a bad idea, which I realized within one hour. I am just not the type. Up to now we ignored all the pregnancy books, shops for babies, internet pregnancy forums…I was for very long – till the last possible moment ignoring pregnancy clothes which I find terribly unesthetical. ( I do have some pregnancy shirts already as I am really growing bigger and bigger every day ) Well what should I than write about in terms of pregnancy. I just took it as a fact and as soon as I felt my energy coming back I lived my days as before. Finished semester in Vienna, packed all my belongings to boxes and send them on a trip with Mr.B to exotic place called Warszaw. I did a major cleaning of the flat I lived in for almost 6 years, which included washing huge glass doors and wall panels. I survived and accident when one of those glass doors fell out of the door runner rail and 200kg fell straight on me, my belly and tree huge flowerpots that kept the door 40 cm above the ground so I could “easily” crawl from below them. Simply said I did everything as before apart from continuing my blog. I could not because I felt that I should probably write something about our changing life situation but I was not sure what should that be. Now I’m sitting in Warszaw. It took me two weeks, to unpack, organize, clean, organize, clean and organize all the crap one collects. Mr.B is out of town working, Mr.T is slowed down as he thinks it’s to hot and I am pregnant just as I was one or three months ago. But I just felt that it’s a point for me to start blogging again, to start doing whatever again as time goes by really fast and I don’t have much left before giving birth to Mr.Little who as I heard might be sort of time consuming at the beginning. To begin with after the long break I’ll just post a mix of photos from last months. Sorry to those of you who’ve seen them on instagram….but did I mention already that pregnancy sort of paralyzed me for some time and I was not taking consciously any photos…….

PS1: I want to thank to all of you who still follow me on FB page even though I was not active for past months. I want to thank veeeerrrry much to all those who wrote me private messages and who probably did not even realize how important that was for me….reading that people appreciate things I do in the time when I don’t do any is really crazy helping !!!!!

PS2: There are two polish words I can’t stand from the bottom of my heart : ciężarna – which is the same as if somebody called me ciężarowka, which I know I am but don’t have to be reminded of that. dzidziuś – thats really disaster

PS3: I had to add this one as an explanation. I was asked why I’m ignoring literature about pregnancy…..OMG don’t get me wrong..It’s by far not because I am super hero woman who thinks its cool to not ready pregnancy books or read forums and has all the necessary wisdom and knowledge. ON THE CONTRARY, I am freaking out from how much I don’t know….I don’t know when kids start to talk or walk, if somebody told me that this miracles happens at the age of 3 I would completely take it as fact just as much as I would take it as a fact if somebody told me that one year old people discuss, walk and pee in the toilette. If I am to say the age of a child I use a hand gesture showing the kids approximate hight because I cant say if the kid is two or four….I’m not joking now…I have not been around small kids very often, actually I’ve met some person to person only couple of times in my life. So I’m not a hero here, but I DO HATE how pregnant woman becomes automatically a separate category. Its not female and male anymore. It’s female, male and pregnant woman! And based on my seven months experience I do feel I know what I’m talking about. First it starts with the shock that people you hardly know, people you’ve seen once or twice in your life, people who know your mother or people who you don’t know at all approach you and touch your belly first. WHY? It’s like my belly was not part of me anymore…it is some sort of public belonging, it’s something that has been mounted to my body and I am now to carry it but it belongs to everybody. Than it continues when you stand in the line in the shop checking out the veggies waiting for your happy turn, and there they go, all the women who are waiting in the same line start to talk about you. Is it a boy, is it a girl, how you should dress, what you should eat, what you should drink and how your belly looks. It is up, it is down, it is sticking out too much or it is spreading more to the sides. And u are standing there with this public property mounted to your body, you are sweating like crazy, you need to pee NOW and you know you still have couple of months of this “being a subject” situation ahead of you. And the last thing that gets you is the literature. Why is it that pregnant means automatically usage of different language….probably it is meant as a preparation for small baby talks…don’t know…but suddenly the use of diminutives is massive and everything becomes pink or blue, its all about how you should feel, how the confused future daddy should feel, how you are not you anymore but you are a kangaroo – soon to be a mother – new category again, how you stop existing because you are about to bring a new person to the world which means that for some time you are vanishing and you are not important anymore….All sort of strange new words that I’ve never heard before are used to describe your little one – meaning the new person that grows inside of you, all sorts of things you NEED to – in better case – know….but most of the time fear. All the things you NEED to buy, such blanket, such chair, such electronic babysitter or maybe breathing baby monitor or, or, or…..Pregnancy stops being natural and becomes a commodity. That is why I ignore pregnancy literature….I sort of believe in my body’s natural potential and ability to deal with pregnancy, and in mine that I will be able to deal with the newborn kid and I will not need to spend thousands on necessary items that will become unnecessary thrash in couple of months and I do hope that my ability to speak common language will remain more or less the same.


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  • Ula says:

    Thanks for posting this! It made me smile a few times and the end is even more hilarious. The word “dzidziuś” is horrible, I never use it.
    Also, finding out about pregenancy in Japan will be a much more interesting story to tell your child about than if it happened at home;)

  • KasiaW says:

    Great to see you back girl! Missed your posts and photos and you :) Keep strong, Im crossing my fingers for Mr. Little’s approaching “premiere”

  • Twinka says:

    Good to see you back. You’ve been missed :)

  • Dennie says:

    usmívám se :) … hlavně, ať jste oba (oba tři) zdraví, milí!

  • Magda says:

    I’m sooo happy that you’re back here. Take care. The little human will be SOMEONE! Because he or she will grow up with you and Mr. B (and Mr. T of course)

  • KasiaW says:

    After PS3:

    Being talked to all the time might be annoying but from a point of view of an observer, it’s interesting to see that pregnant women seem to open people up – provoke smiles and comments from guys that would normally never smile nor say a word to anyone on a street. As if expecting a newborn was a common reason to celebrate and made all those rushing strangers a society again for a second. I actually find it quite magical. I never touch pregnant women’s bellies but I like looking at them and this view makes me smile.

  • tuń says:

    First of all I’m glad you’re back, or rather just wrote. Because the moment that you were not here does not mean that you were gone. Photos as always make me feel like I was in those places nearby. There, under the hanging rock, romping in the grass with Mr. T – in this beautiful land, which looks like the perfect model with green and small houses made from unreal, small boxes. I think your approach to pregnancy is very normal and I got very similar, at this moment. I do not understand all this madness associated with this condition of being pregnant. I watched it twice on my sister. She is a year older than me and already has two children. Only now, after 5 years, I can see that she starts again to take care of herself and enjoy the time when she can be alone. Another friend is truly suffering, cause she wants to have children. Right away. She thinks about it all the time. I meet her and see that she is unhappy because again she is not pregnant. Paranoia. Child is of course something new. Simply the fact that there is a new man and it was earlier inside your body is amazing, but I can not imagine that I should change everything around and completely and utterly live his life. Watching him, take care about him…that probably occurs in any parent, but unfortunately there is easy way to fall into obsession and over-protectiveness. Anyway, I know that you will be a couple of great parents. Your approach only confirms me in this. I think Mr. T can also handle the role of caregiver. I hope that you will still make those beautiful pieces of art (pictures, paintings, stories, travels) just as Bart will. I have a couple of walls more to fill you know ;-). I embrace you and thank you for what you are doing for my life, even unconsciously. Take care!

  • Anonymous says:

    From my experience it’s good to know what to expect during labor, just to know how to proceed but that’s just one page of reading. I agree that the rest of the literature can be just skipped. Congratulations and good luck!

  • MartaPe says:

    I’m happy that you’re back here xoxo

  • uma says:

    I agree that the only part that was useful was that about the labor:) but what’s worse than books are those forums for moms! OMG!
    Anyway, wish you all the best, good luck with your last months of pregnancy and everything after that:)
    Take care and you’re right- the more natural everything goes the better. And you don’t need at least half (or probably more) stuff they tell you you need:) You just need a lot of patience ;)
    Good to read you again!

  • Anonymous says:

    Don’t stop. It’s good to have you here. Thank you.

  • Sylvia keeping my fingers crossed for You, Bart and Baby. It’s good to hear that Your family will get bigger (we’re also expect baby but at the end of December).
    Love Your blog. Greetings.

  • Denisa Velka says:

    Always nice to read your blog. wish you all the best. it is such a great news :) Baby will brings you lots of happiness and new inspiration.


  • Vojtěch Veškrna says:

    Vždycky mi to chvíli trvá, než se dostanu na Tvuj nebo Bartův blog. Pokaždé mě však potěší, že existujete a je jedno jestli fotíte nebo ne, neb je z vás obou cítit ta správná normální a upřímná energie.
    Mějte se hezky.

  • […] mother – what does that mean anyway. When I was pregnant and complaining that I feel as if my belly was a public property I was warned that what comes after the baby is born is even worse. People telling you what to do […]

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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).