still pregnant but back
I remember very well the day I found out that I was pregnant ( or as some say we were pregnant, even though I believe that couple is expecting a child but pregnant is only one of them ). It was 14th of february. Romantic connection is truly just a coincidence. We were taking shinkansen on our way to Beppu in Japan. I love traveling by trains and never really had a problem with one….well besides the night train with broken heating on the way from Vienna to Warszaw when the outside temperature dropped to minus 20. But if you ever were so lucky to travel by trains in Japan u know that its a synonym for comfort, hygiene and well organized EVERYTHING. So it really shocked me that I felt as if I was dying during that quiet, not shaky trip….I could actually feel every little movement of the train and each tiny “shake” made me wanna throw my stomach out. I knew something was wrong and it was not food poisoning. On the way from station to our ryokan we bought a test. Whatever the japanese letters meant, I could count those two lines and did not need a special translator. It was a shock. I know that may sound stupid as we both are old enough to know how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, but based on our almost 3 years experience we sort of understood that we can not have kids and took it as a fact. And here I am with a positive pregnancy test and confusion in my head….at that moment I could hear Mr.B’s brain working hard, just as hard as mine. Anyway I don’t believe that this is the most interesting story in the world so to make it shorter. I went through period of initial shock, to the period of not quite understanding or admitting the situation, to the moments when I even forgot about it for a short time until I physically started to feel miserable. I had one week in Vienna when I was in the bed without any possibility to move, as each movement was equal to such sort of dizziness which I never experienced before. I suppose I fought in a normal extent the most known symptoms of pregnancy except for puking. THNAK GOD, because I hate puking, I could never suffer from any eating disorder as my hater for puking is so strong that even when I really have to puke my body denies it and I can’t. During the time when I felt really really really tired and my day shrunk to 5 fully valued hours I was thinking that maybe I should use those moments when I m not moving just lying in the bed and start writing about pregnancy. But that was a bad idea, which I realized within one hour. I am just not the type. Up to now we ignored all the pregnancy books, shops for babies, internet pregnancy forums…I was for very long – till the last possible moment ignoring pregnancy clothes which I find terribly unesthetical. ( I do have some pregnancy shirts already as I am really growing bigger and bigger every day ) Well what should I than write about in terms of pregnancy. I just took it as a fact and as soon as I felt my energy coming back I lived my days as before. Finished semester in Vienna, packed all my belongings to boxes and send them on a trip with Mr.B to exotic place called Warszaw. I did a major cleaning of the flat I lived in for almost 6 years, which included washing huge glass doors and wall panels. I survived and accident when one of those glass doors fell out of the door runner rail and 200kg fell straight on me, my belly and tree huge flowerpots that kept the door 40 cm above the ground so I could “easily” crawl from below them. Simply said I did everything as before apart from continuing my blog. I could not because I felt that I should probably write something about our changing life situation but I was not sure what should that be. Now I’m sitting in Warszaw. It took me two weeks, to unpack, organize, clean, organize, clean and organize all the crap one collects. Mr.B is out of town working, Mr.T is slowed down as he thinks it’s to hot and I am pregnant just as I was one or three months ago. But I just felt that it’s a point for me to start blogging again, to start doing whatever again as time goes by really fast and I don’t have much left before giving birth to Mr.Little who as I heard might be sort of time consuming at the beginning. To begin with after the long break I’ll just post a mix of photos from last months. Sorry to those of you who’ve seen them on instagram….but did I mention already that pregnancy sort of paralyzed me for some time and I was not taking consciously any photos…….
PS1: I want to thank to all of you who still follow me on FB page even though I was not active for past months. I want to thank veeeerrrry much to all those who wrote me private messages and who probably did not even realize how important that was for me….reading that people appreciate things I do in the time when I don’t do any is really crazy helping !!!!!
PS2: There are two polish words I can’t stand from the bottom of my heart : ciężarna – which is the same as if somebody called me ciężarowka, which I know I am but don’t have to be reminded of that. dzidziuś – thats really disaster
PS3: I had to add this one as an explanation. I was asked why I’m ignoring literature about pregnancy…..OMG don’t get me wrong..It’s by far not because I am super hero woman who thinks its cool to not ready pregnancy books or read forums and has all the necessary wisdom and knowledge. ON THE CONTRARY, I am freaking out from how much I don’t know….I don’t know when kids start to talk or walk, if somebody told me that this miracles happens at the age of 3 I would completely take it as fact just as much as I would take it as a fact if somebody told me that one year old people discuss, walk and pee in the toilette. If I am to say the age of a child I use a hand gesture showing the kids approximate hight because I cant say if the kid is two or four….I’m not joking now…I have not been around small kids very often, actually I’ve met some person to person only couple of times in my life. So I’m not a hero here, but I DO HATE how pregnant woman becomes automatically a separate category. Its not female and male anymore. It’s female, male and pregnant woman! And based on my seven months experience I do feel I know what I’m talking about. First it starts with the shock that people you hardly know, people you’ve seen once or twice in your life, people who know your mother or people who you don’t know at all approach you and touch your belly first. WHY? It’s like my belly was not part of me anymore…it is some sort of public belonging, it’s something that has been mounted to my body and I am now to carry it but it belongs to everybody. Than it continues when you stand in the line in the shop checking out the veggies waiting for your happy turn, and there they go, all the women who are waiting in the same line start to talk about you. Is it a boy, is it a girl, how you should dress, what you should eat, what you should drink and how your belly looks. It is up, it is down, it is sticking out too much or it is spreading more to the sides. And u are standing there with this public property mounted to your body, you are sweating like crazy, you need to pee NOW and you know you still have couple of months of this “being a subject” situation ahead of you. And the last thing that gets you is the literature. Why is it that pregnant means automatically usage of different language….probably it is meant as a preparation for small baby talks…don’t know…but suddenly the use of diminutives is massive and everything becomes pink or blue, its all about how you should feel, how the confused future daddy should feel, how you are not you anymore but you are a kangaroo – soon to be a mother – new category again, how you stop existing because you are about to bring a new person to the world which means that for some time you are vanishing and you are not important anymore….All sort of strange new words that I’ve never heard before are used to describe your little one – meaning the new person that grows inside of you, all sorts of things you NEED to – in better case – know….but most of the time fear. All the things you NEED to buy, such blanket, such chair, such electronic babysitter or maybe breathing baby monitor or, or, or…..Pregnancy stops being natural and becomes a commodity. That is why I ignore pregnancy literature….I sort of believe in my body’s natural potential and ability to deal with pregnancy, and in mine that I will be able to deal with the newborn kid and I will not need to spend thousands on necessary items that will become unnecessary thrash in couple of months and I do hope that my ability to speak common language will remain more or less the same.