16 days of roller coaster

16 days of roller coaster

  

Its been 16 day since Mr.L made his appearance into this world….16 crazy days…emotional roller coaster ride. There has been a LOT of crying….crying for no reason, crying for millions of reasons…out of sentiment, out of love, out of pain, fear, happiness, sadness, exhaustion, despair, simply loads of crying. Whatever I have thought that might happen after I become a mother was galaxies away from reality. And it started with birth itself. I was dreaming of a home water birth….I saw myself in that funny plastic pool in the middle of our living room. Mr.B would be cooking a dinner, Mr.T would be shocked running around, and I would be giving a birth to our son looking into the garden on those huge black crowns that wander around, of course with the assistance of a skilled midwife that I would fully trust. My dream of a home birth was cut short when I actually met the midwife which is known in Poland for promoting home births. Well the first thing she did when we met was telling me to give birth in the birth house that she runs and not to do it at home without actually giving me some reasonable explanation except for bureaucratic obstructions. I was so shocked that I could hardly talk to her back. The reason why I came to give birth in Poland was that I wanted to do it my way – the way it is not possible in Slovakia. And there is this “most” competent person who should help me and support me telling me that I should do it in her facility which , as she thinks, looks almost like at home. I was trying to fight back but when she asked about my past and heard about my miscarriage 3 years ago there was no more talking. I was simply not qualified to give birth at home. So I was trying to refocus myself to the idea that Mr.T will not be there during my labor, that Mr.B will not be making dinner and I will not look into the garden instead I will walk down that sterile hallway with plastic floor, horrible lights to end up in a room which is supposed to feel like home but in reality it feels like a fake room pretending to be “home” with fake bed pretending to be my bed, the room where nothing feels like home. But it seemed that there is no other way so I had to and I did sort of adopted that idea, but soon after new circumstances started to pop out. It looked like my pregnancy will never end and Mr.L has decided not to ever come out for some reason. I even started to think that he was gonna start to get smaller and smaller again until he would just disappear. The longer I was past my due date, the more confusing opinions I was getting from different doctors that were seeing me almost daily. Suddenly I did not even qualified for birth in the birth house because according to USG Mr.L was over 4 kg which meant I had to give birth in a proper hospital. All the pictures I had in my mind faded away and I was left with nothing to hold on to. All my plans, everything was gone and I lost the solid ground under my feet. After two very stressful and chaotic days of decision making I ended up in completely different hospital than planed, with midwifes I did not know. I did all I could to give natural birth, not at home in the water, not in the birth house…in the hospital but at least natural. I wanted the best for Mr.L and I am sure natural birth is the best. After 17 hours of labor my last dream exploded and it only took half an hour until I was connected to all kinds of machines with blue courtain in front of my face and Mr.B holding my hand….in a terrifying fear prepared for C section – something that I did not even think of as a possibility for long 10 months. Something that was such a bad option that I just forgot that it existed. The reason I am writing all this is the one short but monumental moment when I thought I’ve gone insane, the moment when I felt as if I traveled into the space around the earth and back in one second…the moment when I heard Mr.L cry, I could not see him, all I could see was tears in Mr.B’s eyes… I think if I gave birth the way I hoped it would be great peaceful and quiet experience, but the way things turned out made me go through something overwhelmingly strong….I felt so sorry for giving birth that way, I felt sorry for that little guy who was cut out of my body and held by some strange guy with a mask on his face and plastic gloves on his hands into the cold white hospital lights and sounds of surgical instruments instead of Nigel Kennedy as I planned. I was so sorry that first people touching Mr.L are those anonymous silhouettes doing their routine in the most emotionless way possible. I was following Mr.B with my eyes just to read from his face if everything is OK and the moment he looked at me and gave me a sign that little guy has all his fingers and other body parts on the proper places I could finally start to cry… Its been 16 days since the big bang day and I have cried every single day. I cried because my heart or whatever is the place where we store our emotions got so full that it felt painful. It was full of love towards Mr.B for being the best father, to Mr.T for accepting little man and towards Mr.Leo who came from some unknown galaxy and crawled on my chest as a little / ok maybe not so little / warm looking so lost and confused. I cried because in one moment I could feel all the fears of generations of mothers, I cried because I thought I can not handle having one more person to worry about in my life, I cried because I was looking at Mr.Leo and I had to think of mortality in a completely new way, I cried because I was afraid I will die while he is still a child and I will not be able to be there for him when he goes through hard times of growing up, I cried because I wanted to pause life for a moment, I wanted to have a chance to record all his facial expressions, every single sound he made, just to remember it. I cried because I knew it was not possible and that I am going to forget tons of beautiful moments and it felt so unfair. I cried because Mr.Leo cried, I cried because I was tired of Mr.Leo crying, I cried because I thought I will not make it – we will not make it, I cried because I thought I am the worse mother ever, I cried when I realized this is for real and I can’t give him back in hospital claiming that he is not what I asked for after not sleeping for 4 nights. I cried because he was so vulnerable, so fragile, so helpless that it hurt me. I cried for Mr.T because I was worried how he feels, I cried because Mr.B was the best husband I could wish for, I cried because I was so happy that it was literally taking my breath, I cried because I was feeling ugly and worn out, I cried because I forgot my bathrobe in the hospital, I cried when I went for the first walk with Mr.T alone, and I cried for no reason at all. Yes I did jump on a craziest emotional rollecoaster of my life, going up and down, going really high and really low within seconds. Most intense 16 days of my life and I believe of Mr. Leo’s as well :). Its has been very exhausting both physically and mentally, every single day brought some new challenges to fight with and I know this is just a beginning. For now all I can do is take it as it comes hour by hour, day by day. I don’t even plan for tomorrow, because tomorrow everything happens according to Mr.Leo’s decision and I will go with the flow. I’m learning a lot these days….I m looking out of the window thinking of novembers…november three years ago when I was short after loosing our “first” child and than I have to pinch myself to remind me that this all is happening for real.

PS: My instagram feed naturally became Mr.Leo and Mr.Teo feed…oh yes now I understand why that happens….simply because I spend 24 hours with those two polyps at home, ironing and doing washing in the short breaks between nursing.

PS 2: I have received a beautiful letter…true letter not an email from a person who did not leave any contact so I can’t write back. But I hope that person will read this one day and will know that I am very very very thankful for those words as much as for the fact that it was a letter and also for the fact that that person had to think how to deliver it to me as she did not know my address and simply for deciding to write it. Thank you so much !!!!

  

 

 

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11 Comments
  • gapminded says:

    funny how I somehow find my own story through yours. I’m preparing for a Mr. Little to join us (my husband, my dog and me) in a little over two months – and it will also be three years after I miscarried. I’m scared as hell and have no idea what to expect. but I’m so glad I can follow bits of your story here. hope you’re all very happy.

  • Nadja says:

    Congratulations!

    I understand your disappointment about the birth.
    About the same thing happened to me.
    But, the most important thing is that the little one is there and doing fine.
    Things didn’t work out so well for me and my baby by the way, he died at three months, at the point where everybody started believing he would be fine. Lack of oxygen before and during the emergency Caesarean. We still had to go to the hospital when problems started because I was still at home, thinking the birth would happen there.

    There is no doubt in my mind, because of all you have written about the pregnancy and birth I know you’l be the greatest mom ever, and you’ll be a great family.

    The little one looks SO cute by the way, no wonder, with beautiful parents like that of course!
    :-))

    Can’t wait to see more!

    Greetings!
    XXX

  • Your post is so emotional and real that I think I should wait a day to write a comment. Big handshake to Mr B for being a great partner, big hug for you for being yourself. And the picture of Leo and Teo on their backs is simply the best.

  • Magda says:

    Nie ściemniasz i to jest piękne. Czytam i podpatruję od dłuższego czasu zachłannie.

  • Anonymous says:

    So many of us are sharing your experience. First birth is pretty much never according to the plan and motherhood is always far from expectations. I planned water birth and ended up with forceps after 8 hours of unsuccessful pushing.
    The hardest is to accept that we are not totally in control of our life.
    But it gets easier. Enjoy it as time flies.
    Congratulations! Leo is beautiful.x

  • Maggie says:

    I went through a period of mourning after having to undergo a C-section.But like they say, time heals all wounds and you have a beautiful son who’s healthy and happy due to the wonders of modern medicine. Congrats to all 4 of you, and please keep the pics coming.

  • Anonymous says:

    Congrats! …and…take it easy on emotions or you’ll burn out quickly. Relax, enjoy, and sleep whatever moment you have! :)

  • ulotny says:

    so real words. no doubts there will a l w a y s be this little man to take care of. lots of love for all of your Misters. And you take care.

  • Agata says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I am a mum myself and has been through a lot as well. I have never been able to make friends with girls before I got a baby. There is this unexplainable connection I suddenly felt with other women, which is magical and hard to explain.

  • the moon mom says:

    once again I just want to hug you, because not only pictures speak straight to my heart but your words as well.
    I had very similar experience with my birth and I was feeling cheated in the end. I planned calm water birth in birthing house, but I was transported by ambulance to the hospital from there. I have an impression that the more you wish something with birth, it’s less likely to happen. But you know what? You’ve been faced with your limits – emotional and physical. I took my experience as a character building challenge – that you cannot always have what you want and we need to learn to take it all with dignity and acceptance – because there was no choice.
    You are one brave mama. Your blog is one of the very few that makes me feel good – because I see that we all share the same tough reality, not sugar coated stories that are just a fake mask.
    Hi 5 from Berlin <3


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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).


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