6 months

6 months

 

It is almost one week since we celebrated Little L’s first small anniversary. I have never been aware of time passing as much as I am now. Past 6 months have gone so fast and so slowly at the same time. My own perception of time has changed so much. I’ve experienced minutes that seemed to be hours, and days that seemed to be seconds. Little L turned my whole life upside down.

One would expect that after waking up next to Little L 174 times I should be pretty much used to it. But I am not. Sometimes when I hold him in my arms I get this strong feeling that is hard to describe. I feel shocked, surprised, terrified, happy that I am a mother and he is my son and that it is perfectly real and it will never change. Other times during our walks when I look at him so peacefully resting I feel almost physical pain caused by an enormous amount of fear that paralyses my whole body. There is this little person that I will be worried about every day for the rest of my life. Every single moment in my unconscious there will be fear if he is ok, if he is healthy and if he does not suffer in any way. I realise how helpless I am, how many things out there I can not influence or change. I realise that all I can do is be there for him and the rest will happen in front of my eyes as a theatre play.

Past six months have been beautiful, intense, overwhelming, difficult, confusing. I stared to question everything much more than before. Making decision is not that easy anymore. Suddenly every litte thing seems to have bigger meaning. I am not responsible for myself only, I influence another life. This little person will be experiencing life through me for the first years, I will be middle of his universe. I feel the need, the necessity to do things right, to show him right, to teach him right whatever that right might mean, cause who is to decide.

I am wondering if one can ever get used to being a mother, a parent. For me its is so new every morning I wake up. Just like  Little L is changing every day, he discovers something new every day, he learns something new every day, I look at him and this simple statement “I am your mother” becomes so overwhelmingly meaningful that it fills up the room and takes us on a new ride.

 

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April from Bart Pogoda on Vimeo.

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6 Comments
  • Magda says:

    Hi I started to read your blog through Bart Pogoda’s one and I am enjoying every bit of it (every bit of both I must admit). Now that you have a baby it has become my routine to see what you have written as yor Little L is only two months older than my Little M. I love the way you describe him, portay him or show him in photos or videos. The above post sounds like everything I would say, every sentence is exactly what I feel. It is pretty amazing to read what you have written and feel like I have just felt. Good luck with being a mother and everything else. I will surely watch this space. Magda

    • silviapogoda says:

      Magda THANK YOU SO MUCH! It always makes me happy to get such msg. Its like the anonymous public becomes so real and personalised in moment I read it. Good luck to you as well. Greetings from Little L to Little M.

  • ojMaryna says:

    Sylvio tak to właśnie jest. Nie inaczej.Kilka razy dziennie, od chwili poczęcia po sam kres, dostajemy paraliżu na samą myśl, co może się złego przydarzyć naszym dzieciom. Myślę, że to jest wpisane w naszą misję i nigdy nie przywykniemy. Może to właśnie decyduje o ciężarze naszego szczęścia. Sorry za taki sentymentalny komentarz, ale to wina waszego filmiku i waszych zdjęć. Bajecznie jak zwykle. Pozdrawiam!

    • silviapogoda says:

      Hi Maryna….well u r right but I was not ready for this, I did not expect this to happen, this constant fear is becoming part of my everyday reality, but its shocking for real. I never was worried that something might happen to me until now..so many new reasons to worry. I guess it is something that will not change it only I will get used to it.
      Greetings to you too!

  • kate says:

    Nie wiem czy moge zapytać ale co to za kask jaki zakladacie Leo? Juz na którymś poście go widze. Sama jestemw ciąży i interesują mnie takie wynalazki. Z góry dzięki za odpowiedź.

    Co do macierzyństwa…..własnie to mnie najbardziej przeraża :)

    Powodzenia!


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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).


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