Breast feeding and Birds

Breast feeding and Birds

  

I have been wanting to write this post for so long. I was dreaming about it. I planed to do it before Christmas, than during Christmas, than I thought I would post it on 31.12 or maybe 1.1. but I just was not able to take that time. To steal one uninterrupted hour, without beeping of finished washing machine program, barking of Mr.T, crying of Little L., without having to look at pile of clothes waiting to be ironed, diapers waiting to be washed, Mr.T’s hair on the floor screaming to be vacuumed. All those things that have to be done in short breaks when Little L. has successfully finished his visit in milky bar and fell asleep.
Now when it looks like this may be THAT one hour (there is still clothes waiting to be ironed, and full washing machine waiting to be turned on, and Mr.T will probably bark within next 5 minutes) – lets say almost uninterrupted hour I can’t remember what I actually planed to say. To be focused and concentrated exactly when that short moment of peace happens is quite impossible. I feel as I would probably feel if I was a man and I would be expected to have erection on demand – impossible – and I chose this comparison because I don’t even want to talk about mental possibilities but it looks like physical ones stand even more the way.
As soon as THE short moment of peace happens I feel like falling asleep right away…my body stops listening to me and requests to fill up the missing gas. It is not saying that Little L. is a difficult baby,not at all,but time management is different and I find it sometimes difficult to divide the rests of my free time when Little L. sleeps between Mr.T, my family, things I have to do and thing I want to do – the last ones always loose :)

Days are passing by and I see Little L. growing into small person that is not a veggie anymore…He starts to laugh a lot and I love to wake up next to him and see his smile first thing in the morning…A lot of things changed for us, for me…I start loving being a mother…I am not nervous any more about everything that I can’t do…I am not nervous about constant lack of time and days filled with repeated actions…I feel like a helpless observer when looking at Little L….he is changing daily…he is growing at ultra fast speed and only through him I am now able to understand passing of time…I know everything will be different in month, in half a year or in one year and I will miss these moments so much…moments of him being so taintlessly and absolutely dependent on us…A lot of things changed….the worse fear I had before giving a birth was me breast feeding…It was my secret night mare..I was googling any kind of information about women who refuse to breast feed because they don’t feel comfortable about it…I just could not imagine it happen…My breast were for my whole adult life a synonym for sexuality and now they were about to change their designation and a small human being was supposed to suck them all day long…HOW????….I desperately needed to know that it is OK not to be into breast feeding in the times when women fight for society to accept public breast feeding as something normal…and here I am, two months after giving birth breast feeding and what more…I find it absolutely beautiful…it’s the time when me any Little L. are completely detached from rest of the world and closed in our own bubble…I see him calming down, feeling secure, holding my finger and examining my face over and over…I love those moment and that incredible bond that it creates between us…

This year was actually the first time that I was sort of thinking about making some sort of resolutions for coming year…and surprisingly it has nothing to do with the need and necessity to plan that is essential when having a baby….my urge for resolution appeared while watching Winged Migration…I know it is an old movie, but I was never able to watch it as there are birds dying…this year I watched the movie while breast feeding Little L….it seemed as good time to give it a try and I was hypnotized…completely and absolutely…paralyzed by by the beauty and perfection of the nature…the majesty and flawlessness of birds…and the combination of those two was breath taking….and than comes the human to the picture and everything is fucked up…each trace of human action is like a black depressive cloud full of shit….humans and their creations their greed their ignorance their arrogance and ability to damage and devastate…many times I feel ashamed for human race…many times I wish they were not given a chance to spoil such beautiful place…but there are moments when I feel hate, strong extreme hate…and watching Winged Migration was one of them..I felt I need to do more, much more, to change more in my life…not that it would change the world but it would make me feel better about myself…it would make it easier for me to live with the fact that I am also contributing to destruction of nature by the way I live….So my resolution was to find ways how to lower the negative side effects of my being here…I plan to cut down buying crap, I plan to be more precise when it comes to choosing products I use…we already use only not tested cosmetics and cleaning products, but there is still place where I have to be more aware of what I use and choose, I plan to go more for second hand chooses when possible, I plan not to buy shoes, clothes this year, I plan to take some plastic bags when we go out for walks in the nature and pick up the shit that people leave behind…I simply plan to be more aware of my actions than I was until now…And I plan to illustrate a book for Litte L.

  

Little L is 9 weeks old today…in his short life he spent first 3 weeks in Warszaw, next 3 weeks in Klodzko, now 3 weeks in Slovakia and we are already packing to move a bit more south to Vienna…we make him live the way we live which means to constantly move between three places, three countries…just as I did for last 5 years without knowing which one is actually “home” and I already resigned on actually trying to define one of those places as my home…I don’t have that need anymore…the need to attach to one place, to imaginary strike my roots somewhere…my home is where Mr.B, Mr.T and now Little L is…and we have loads of travel plans for near future…dear Little man I hope u don’t mind :)PS: Some of these photos are taken from my INSTAGRAM account, so I apologize to those of you who have seen them already

  

final countdown

final countdown

  

It is for sure, that this is my last post that I am writing pregnant. Actually there is not much that I have to say or show. It turned out that pregnancy is not thrilling state of being as well as subject to write about more than once :), ..or at least for me. If there was some prize or grades giving at the end of those 10 months I sure would not be standing and waiting in the front row. Last weeks, particularly last two are nothing more than just waiting and counting the hours…Not that I could not wait for the change of situation, I simply find living with myself, in my body absolutely unappealing and exhausting. I did not go through this period of my life with much of a spiritual “grace” so to say – its somehow hard for me to be spiritual gaining 23 kg and developing horrible cellulite….I did not feel connected with mother earth or with cosmic powers, I did not feel blessed from God or touched by the spirits crying from sentiment that there is a life blooming inside of me like a magic flower, I did not have goosebumps each time I touched my belly, in fact I was not touching it that much, I did not feel chills going up my spine each time Mr. Little moved inside of me – even though it was pretty impressive sometimes, I did not take my belly selfies with iPhone in the mirror each week, I did not start to write a diary for my unborn child and did not make the ultrasound picture my FB profile photo. I was simply pregnant. It was the only fact I could comprehend, anything else was way beyond my imagination. Even though it is now one last week to go I still cant picture the situation that one day we will be entering our flat together with little person that is to join our 4 and half years quite well functioning little family of three. Of course I know, heard it millions of times, how great and cool and magic it is going to be, but that is something I have to experience in order to understand. For now I am just thinking how it is going to change us ….change Mr.B who probably gets the whole thing even less then me, what is Mr.T going to do as he was almost 10 years my little polyp, how I am going to change. I am expecting all that hormones explosions that I heard about. Am I going to be the mama who only takes photos of her child, every minute of the day, Mr.Little smiling, crying, Mr.Little in dipper sleeping, Mr.Little in the bath looking shocked, Mr.Little licking his fingers, Mr.Little in new cute outfit, Mr.Little in the carseat, Mr.Little under the christmas tree, Mr. Little without the diaper on the bed, on Mr.B’s chest, in my lap, Mr.Little from left, from right, from above and from far….I am not saying there is anything wrong about doing that I’m just wondering if that will naturally become my new instagram feed and I will be completely ok and happy with it. I m thinking how we are going to change as a family….Couple of days ago we were sitting with Mr.B in our little tiny “office” which normally meant that Mr.B was editing photos or videos, I was drawing and Mr.T content that we are all together in such a small place snoring. Well lately I don’t sit there that much as sitting for longer time is quite uncomfortable, but the other night I was sitting there…Mr.T was doing pretty much the same thing as always, Mr.B was watching tutorials on how to operate Red camera and ME? I was watching tutorials as well, tutorials on eco cloth diapers….So here I am waiting for the birth as it will free me from this huge body that is no longer mine, it will allow me to move freely again – not just a short walks with T as I either have pain or I have to go pee, we will be traveling again, I will be able to sit for longer than half an hour, and life will get back to normal, new normal but normal….we ll be sharing everything we know with a little person, showing him the life we love, rediscovering for ourselves small simple things in order to be able to let the small guy experience them as new. But most of all I wish that we will not loose the balance, balance between what makes us us and between being parents, balance between giving ourself to the little man and not forgetting that we are also a couple that is here for each other, and of course not ever letting Mr.T feel that he is of less importance for us as there is a baby on board. If we’ll manage that, there is nothing else I could wish for…besides some exciting illustration job and seeing murmuration live…and some other dreams that are waiting in line….
  

  

Kraliky

Kraliky

  

Days in Kraliky are so different from the rest…feeling of “time” is different here, as well as feeling of space….Maybe its Zofka, her daily routine which repeats each time I am here, weather it is winter or summer, weather its raining or snowing…she does everything minute by minute..and every single minute is important and counts…when I watch her I somehow more realize the passing of time…its strange when I see that last month, last week, last half year are vague descriptions of time which are not of such importance as this particular moment…for her past starting from today is all melted in one…one mess of informations and actions, but NOW, NOW is important…..but its not just her…also the village seems to be the same each time I come here…one street, zero people and sunset – sunrise – sunset – sunrise….Tomorrow we’r driving Mr.T to my uncle’s and then another story begins
  

I’m not Frodo !!!!!!!

I’m not Frodo !!!!!!!

two days spent in the bed…watching extended versions of Lord of the Rings one by one….simply a major chill…that’s the way to ignore that horrible gray behind the window….and I’m asking myself when am I gonna shoot something again?…..ooooh somebody has to save me :)

hard to say if this is in the morning or in the evening…these days I have this picture in front of my eyes very often

no christmas no fun

no christmas no fun

last days in Warszaw were more than great…I met nice people had a good time..I was baking christmas cookies with Elwira and Soozie …had a nice talk with Tizian who gave us a painting and after all 13 hours hard talking with Marta :) … we had a visit coming over at three o clock at night and still loads of snow in the garden. Now its the time to pack and hit the road first to school in Czech and than home to start stressing with christmas preparations…I m trying to pack all day today actually, but the look in the nearest future makes me so nervous that I can not start doing it…Why christmas has to be such a pain? It became for me thanks to general over demanding behavior of the moving crowd on the streets in the shops unbearable time. And what about this short-period-change of “humans” to humans, people are becoming nicer and nicer until one day before christmas eve it finally culminates into almost scary politness and unconditional love of everyone for everyone and everything, but on 25th things are back to normal…I never understood this mysterious phenomenon.

so if you’r gonna feel like you need to hide yourself from humaneness you may want to check this crazy blog

or watch some interesting vids

Lise Sarfati from FLY16x9 on Vimeo.

Shirin Neshat from FLY16x9 on Vimeo.

beer and bath

beer and bath

Mr.B came back home yesterday…that’s good…he was 3 days in Nice and Mr.T was 3 days in depression…well the truth is there are some men’s things which these two guys have going and I can not catch up with…like fighting for a better place in the bed, showing who is the boss of our pack, complaining about me or simply drinking beer in the bath…I prefer to drink wine

that’s the way it was

that’s the way it was

we had quite a busy time lately…but hell why not, when christmas time of love, peace sudden humanity and cookies is coming…we managed to do everything what we did not plan but did not manage to do even one thing of those planned..time is simply faster than us

we managed to do some reconstructions in the flat which took us loads of energy

there were constantly some workers around, some of them good some of them walking terror but one was for sure unforgettable, so if you ever need a specialist for wallpaper I truly recommend Mr.Czajkowski and his son

and if you want to make a fire from wet wood

or home made pasta call Makao…he is full of undiscovered abilities

if you have a hyperactive dog and you want to calm him down call Mr.B..that is his speciality…as well as

singing lessons, but he might not be willing to help you out with this..cause I really dont know what his plans with Teodor are

in case you want to chill you r welcome in our zen garden

and if you are workaholics I know some people – masters of chilling, who could show you how to do it for free

or you are thinking about a nice portrait as a christmas present than ask me I’ll try my best

dont ask Mr. B he is busy with Mr.T

NOvember

NOvember

november was again not the easiest month for us…but what does not kill you does not count…we r still having loads of FUN

fcuk

fcuk

since I was VERY successfully NOT taking any photos since august I had nothing to upload…there was one forgotten film in mine contax – which those suckers did not steal cause it was with me in Bratislava – so I scanned it and found some shots from Finland :D…I m gonna have to get back to the “taking photos” mood otherwise I’ll simply start lets say gardening…why not, I love birds…so I m loading the film and we’ll see

and little sporty bonus… two men who have a huge passion for sports

why to sit when you can jump

why to sit when you can jump

…third day in the row sitting by the computer…photos photos photos photos….
…I’m in the middle of scanning negatives from Estonia and I found this “family portrait” which
we did to finish the film..
…this way I’d like to than Miss Agatova for letting us stay in her crazy cool place in Tallinn…
…check her photos at agatova.sk
and have a great day everyBody :)

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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).


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