6 months

6 months

 

It is almost one week since we celebrated Little L’s first small anniversary. I have never been aware of time passing as much as I am now. Past 6 months have gone so fast and so slowly at the same time. My own perception of time has changed so much. I’ve experienced minutes that seemed to be hours, and days that seemed to be seconds. Little L turned my whole life upside down.

One would expect that after waking up next to Little L 174 times I should be pretty much used to it. But I am not. Sometimes when I hold him in my arms I get this strong feeling that is hard to describe. I feel shocked, surprised, terrified, happy that I am a mother and he is my son and that it is perfectly real and it will never change. Other times during our walks when I look at him so peacefully resting I feel almost physical pain caused by an enormous amount of fear that paralyses my whole body. There is this little person that I will be worried about every day for the rest of my life. Every single moment in my unconscious there will be fear if he is ok, if he is healthy and if he does not suffer in any way. I realise how helpless I am, how many things out there I can not influence or change. I realise that all I can do is be there for him and the rest will happen in front of my eyes as a theatre play.

Past six months have been beautiful, intense, overwhelming, difficult, confusing. I stared to question everything much more than before. Making decision is not that easy anymore. Suddenly every litte thing seems to have bigger meaning. I am not responsible for myself only, I influence another life. This little person will be experiencing life through me for the first years, I will be middle of his universe. I feel the need, the necessity to do things right, to show him right, to teach him right whatever that right might mean, cause who is to decide.

I am wondering if one can ever get used to being a mother, a parent. For me its is so new every morning I wake up. Just like  Little L is changing every day, he discovers something new every day, he learns something new every day, I look at him and this simple statement “I am your mother” becomes so overwhelmingly meaningful that it fills up the room and takes us on a new ride.

 

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April from Bart Pogoda on Vimeo.

still pregnant but back

still pregnant but back

  

I remember very well the day I found out that I was pregnant ( or as some say we were pregnant, even though I believe that couple is expecting a child but pregnant is only one of them ). It was 14th of february. Romantic connection is truly just a coincidence. We were taking shinkansen on our way to Beppu in Japan. I love traveling by trains and never really had a problem with one….well besides the night train with broken heating on the way from Vienna to Warszaw when the outside temperature dropped to minus 20. But if you ever were so lucky to travel by trains in Japan u know that its a synonym for comfort, hygiene and well organized EVERYTHING. So it really shocked me that I felt as if I was dying during that quiet, not shaky trip….I could actually feel every little movement of the train and each tiny “shake” made me wanna throw my stomach out. I knew something was wrong and it was not food poisoning. On the way from station to our ryokan we bought a test. Whatever the japanese letters meant, I could count those two lines and did not need a special translator. It was a shock. I know that may sound stupid as we both are old enough to know how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, but based on our almost 3 years experience we sort of understood that we can not have kids and took it as a fact. And here I am with a positive pregnancy test and confusion in my head….at that moment I could hear Mr.B’s brain working hard, just as hard as mine. Anyway I don’t believe that this is the most interesting story in the world so to make it shorter. I went through period of initial shock, to the period of not quite understanding or admitting the situation, to the moments when I even forgot about it for a short time until I physically started to feel miserable. I had one week in Vienna when I was in the bed without any possibility to move, as each movement was equal to such sort of dizziness which I never experienced before. I suppose I fought in a normal extent the most known symptoms of pregnancy except for puking. THNAK GOD, because I hate puking, I could never suffer from any eating disorder as my hater for puking is so strong that even when I really have to puke my body denies it and I can’t. During the time when I felt really really really tired and my day shrunk to 5 fully valued hours I was thinking that maybe I should use those moments when I m not moving just lying in the bed and start writing about pregnancy. But that was a bad idea, which I realized within one hour. I am just not the type. Up to now we ignored all the pregnancy books, shops for babies, internet pregnancy forums…I was for very long – till the last possible moment ignoring pregnancy clothes which I find terribly unesthetical. ( I do have some pregnancy shirts already as I am really growing bigger and bigger every day ) Well what should I than write about in terms of pregnancy. I just took it as a fact and as soon as I felt my energy coming back I lived my days as before. Finished semester in Vienna, packed all my belongings to boxes and send them on a trip with Mr.B to exotic place called Warszaw. I did a major cleaning of the flat I lived in for almost 6 years, which included washing huge glass doors and wall panels. I survived and accident when one of those glass doors fell out of the door runner rail and 200kg fell straight on me, my belly and tree huge flowerpots that kept the door 40 cm above the ground so I could “easily” crawl from below them. Simply said I did everything as before apart from continuing my blog. I could not because I felt that I should probably write something about our changing life situation but I was not sure what should that be. Now I’m sitting in Warszaw. It took me two weeks, to unpack, organize, clean, organize, clean and organize all the crap one collects. Mr.B is out of town working, Mr.T is slowed down as he thinks it’s to hot and I am pregnant just as I was one or three months ago. But I just felt that it’s a point for me to start blogging again, to start doing whatever again as time goes by really fast and I don’t have much left before giving birth to Mr.Little who as I heard might be sort of time consuming at the beginning. To begin with after the long break I’ll just post a mix of photos from last months. Sorry to those of you who’ve seen them on instagram….but did I mention already that pregnancy sort of paralyzed me for some time and I was not taking consciously any photos…….

PS1: I want to thank to all of you who still follow me on FB page even though I was not active for past months. I want to thank veeeerrrry much to all those who wrote me private messages and who probably did not even realize how important that was for me….reading that people appreciate things I do in the time when I don’t do any is really crazy helping !!!!!

PS2: There are two polish words I can’t stand from the bottom of my heart : ciężarna – which is the same as if somebody called me ciężarowka, which I know I am but don’t have to be reminded of that. dzidziuś – thats really disaster

PS3: I had to add this one as an explanation. I was asked why I’m ignoring literature about pregnancy…..OMG don’t get me wrong..It’s by far not because I am super hero woman who thinks its cool to not ready pregnancy books or read forums and has all the necessary wisdom and knowledge. ON THE CONTRARY, I am freaking out from how much I don’t know….I don’t know when kids start to talk or walk, if somebody told me that this miracles happens at the age of 3 I would completely take it as fact just as much as I would take it as a fact if somebody told me that one year old people discuss, walk and pee in the toilette. If I am to say the age of a child I use a hand gesture showing the kids approximate hight because I cant say if the kid is two or four….I’m not joking now…I have not been around small kids very often, actually I’ve met some person to person only couple of times in my life. So I’m not a hero here, but I DO HATE how pregnant woman becomes automatically a separate category. Its not female and male anymore. It’s female, male and pregnant woman! And based on my seven months experience I do feel I know what I’m talking about. First it starts with the shock that people you hardly know, people you’ve seen once or twice in your life, people who know your mother or people who you don’t know at all approach you and touch your belly first. WHY? It’s like my belly was not part of me anymore…it is some sort of public belonging, it’s something that has been mounted to my body and I am now to carry it but it belongs to everybody. Than it continues when you stand in the line in the shop checking out the veggies waiting for your happy turn, and there they go, all the women who are waiting in the same line start to talk about you. Is it a boy, is it a girl, how you should dress, what you should eat, what you should drink and how your belly looks. It is up, it is down, it is sticking out too much or it is spreading more to the sides. And u are standing there with this public property mounted to your body, you are sweating like crazy, you need to pee NOW and you know you still have couple of months of this “being a subject” situation ahead of you. And the last thing that gets you is the literature. Why is it that pregnant means automatically usage of different language….probably it is meant as a preparation for small baby talks…don’t know…but suddenly the use of diminutives is massive and everything becomes pink or blue, its all about how you should feel, how the confused future daddy should feel, how you are not you anymore but you are a kangaroo – soon to be a mother – new category again, how you stop existing because you are about to bring a new person to the world which means that for some time you are vanishing and you are not important anymore….All sort of strange new words that I’ve never heard before are used to describe your little one – meaning the new person that grows inside of you, all sorts of things you NEED to – in better case – know….but most of the time fear. All the things you NEED to buy, such blanket, such chair, such electronic babysitter or maybe breathing baby monitor or, or, or…..Pregnancy stops being natural and becomes a commodity. That is why I ignore pregnancy literature….I sort of believe in my body’s natural potential and ability to deal with pregnancy, and in mine that I will be able to deal with the newborn kid and I will not need to spend thousands on necessary items that will become unnecessary thrash in couple of months and I do hope that my ability to speak common language will remain more or less the same.
  

 

back to the woods

back to the woods

  

yesterday was finally the day after a long long winter that I could enjoy outside….not in the park but in the wood, seeing no people, hearing no disturbing sounds of cars, bicycles, telephones…I loved it…it made me feel so clam….last days I m starting to feel better…no more 20 hours sleep a day, no more stomach aches….but I think the less I feel physical pain the more its getting on my “head” :) I’ve been going thorough our blog archives looking at the memories of the time we spent together – Mr.B, Mr.T and I ….I felt so nostalgic…I know its never gonna be the same again..of course something new is coming…but as I never had kids before and for last 20 years there was no babies in my close family, this new reality that is waiting for us is so abstract that even if trying hard I can’t imagine what its gonna be like, how its gonna feel…for now all I feel is sort of a ending to one part of a story…I’ve realized that its been just tree of us till now and that we were doing pretty well..most of the time in no need to connect to world around…

  

couple of days ago Mr.B wrote me a short email saying: ” I really liked our trip to japan. i fell like we were only people there and the rest of them they were just background. love “…I just loved it because that is pretty much how the last four years felt like …..

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Kraliky

Kraliky

  

Days in Kraliky are so different from the rest…feeling of “time” is different here, as well as feeling of space….Maybe its Zofka, her daily routine which repeats each time I am here, weather it is winter or summer, weather its raining or snowing…she does everything minute by minute..and every single minute is important and counts…when I watch her I somehow more realize the passing of time…its strange when I see that last month, last week, last half year are vague descriptions of time which are not of such importance as this particular moment…for her past starting from today is all melted in one…one mess of informations and actions, but NOW, NOW is important…..but its not just her…also the village seems to be the same each time I come here…one street, zero people and sunset – sunrise – sunset – sunrise….Tomorrow we’r driving Mr.T to my uncle’s and then another story begins
  

white is coming

white is coming

  

The beautiful sunny autumn days may be over….the white days are coming….those are the days when everything is white, the air, the smell, the light, peoples faces as well as their expressions…it looks as if the world around shrunk into different shades of white and grey….it can be magic, it can be scary….but it gets most scary at the moment when white flow is cut by the red-green-gold flashy colors of christmas decorations underlined by “last christmas” tone jumping on you from behind the corners telling you that you HAVE to buy this, or that, because you NEED this or that in your life to discover real Happiness – the HAPPINESS that you dont even know it exists…but that is another story….

 
  

 

  
The most important story for today is the fact that I’m becoming digital…after discovering new possible dimensions of my life photography stopped being of No.1 importance and that made my decision easier…drawing takes a lot of time..that is why I was doing a lot of iphone photos lately…and I got really tired of them…so after few inner discussions but with constant feeling of betraying myself I made up my mind to switch to digital – not completely of course but to bigger extent than ever before… Now I’m only curious if we’r gonna make it to be a true friends with my Fuji Finepix X100

 

  

why quit while you’re losing ?

why quit while you’re losing ?

When photographers get beyond copying the achievements of others, or just repeating their own first successes, they learn that they do not know where in the world they will find pictures. …………. and by doing it over and over and over again, you find your own voice, but it’s just modestly different than someone else’s. And how do you describe that? How do you describe the difference between two saxophone players?

Robert Adams

time travel

time travel

I traveled in time yesterday…and I loved it…does it mean I m over sentimental?

a little bit of this a little bit of that…kind of MAKING OF from shooting of my Bc. project this weekend…things went well and things went bad…today was the worst, 4th day of shooting…I was driving around in the car for almost 3 hours just to shoot 1 photo and finish film…I did not see it anymore…I did not see anything anymore…I did 6 rolls and hoped to do at least 8…well now the only thing left is HOPING…hoping that IT IS THERE :) …if it is not there hmmmmmm I have no idea what will be….

que sera sera

In May …..

Mr. B and Mr.T remained friends

even visited some exhibition…Mr.T did not find it very interesting

so they rather enjoyed the time ….

in honeymoon jersey sheets

AND Mr.B got pregnant …. hmmmmmm

and some other small miracles happened on the way

slovak tradition in May is to built a Máj

because May is the time of LOVE

Zofka in the bathtub

Zofka in the bathtub

Found this photo on negative from Tunisia…I love it…the memories that connect to it are great…I almost drowned my grandmom in the foam…she was having a blast and so did I..

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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).


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