Teething, self doubts and the rest

Teething, self doubts and the rest

 

 

I wanted to write this post for so long. I have tried to find the moment so many times and meanwhile the ideas passed by, the topics I wanted to talk about came and went, stopped to be accurate or just got forgotten. I was trying to hold on to my life really badly for past two months.

Before Little L was born I was sure that first weeksor months are the toughest of all. If we make it through first 3 months without any major loss on sanity we ‘r safe. And than things are only gonna get easier up to the point where it will be like eating bread with honey. OH my, how I was wrong. Last month and a half was really hard. We came back from Malta to Warsaw where we stayed exactly for one day. Half of it I was waiting for my lost suitcase and second half was unpacking and packing again. In the night we hit the road and drove to Klodzko to stay for couple of days, than we moved to Dusseldorf where my sister lives. Little L, Mr.T and I stayed there for 3 weeks while Mr.B was flying to work. Short trip to Amsterdam and than on the way to Slovakia we stopped at Klodzko again, stayed in Kraliky drove to Vienna came back to Kraliky. I feel like my whole life is packed in suitcases and all I do is unpack and pack. And during this whole time Little L was teething.

I thought first three months are the toughest, oh my how I was wrong. First three months were not easy for many reasons, I was not feeling well physically, my hormones were going crazy, Little L did not know what the hell is going on, he was shocked from where he landed, but I have to say he was coping with us – two strangers – his parents for rest of his live pretty well. Everything was new for him and for us. But that was nothing compared to teething phase. Teething means that Little man does not like anything for longer than 5 minutes, OK he likes to watch baby einstein puppets for about 30 minutes when he has a good day, scream like a hurt animal for quite some time every day but what he loves most of all is my breast, all day and all night. It also means that I carry his proud 12 kilos in carrier most of the days, we cook together, iron together, vacuum together, walk together, take photos together and that might be a lot of fun for him, but don’t ask me about my back. He started to move a lot lately as well so I can’t practically leave him out of my sight cause he is able to change his location quickly and without any prior notice.

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot from older women – older women meaning my mom and her generation of mothers – that we are raising him wrong. That it is wrong that he is used to being carried, that he sleeps with us in one bed and that he is vegan just as we are. And I have been going through a lot of self doubts. How does one know if she is a good mother ?

During my last month of pregnancy when I grew into monstrous proportions, I was all swollen and could hardly move and breath at the same time I had a lot qualms that I don’t work enough. Mr.B used to tell me all the time that I should not worry about it, because women have some magic ability and they manage to do much more after they give birth. Well I was waiting for that moment, imagining myself as a super woman who gets as extra a package of super powers during the delivery and does everything she was doing before plus much more with a baby stuck under her arm. And guess what I was terribly terribly wrong. I am not a super women, I am not a super wife and I am probably not a super mother even thought I try to be at least one of it at a time.
Little L is almost eight months old and there are still days when I am happy to find time for a shower, days that are better, days that are worse. But I am by far not doing what I was doing before and more. I am not drawing and I miss it intensely. I am not doing all those new things that I was expecting to do. No explosion of energy, no explosion of new ideas, no super powers. I did not sleep through one whole night since Little man was born, actually I have not slept longer than 3 hours for eight months. I am often tired and I have a lot of self doubts. I compare myself to other women and sometimes I even compare Leo to other babies and I hate that. But I kind of feel like I failed, like I disappointed somebody, don’t know exactly whom, but when it comes to the point it does not matter. I simply feel like a looser almost every evening when I go to bed and look back at my day.
I thought when baby is eight months I simply put her to some “safe area” – whatever that is – and she is gonna play by herself for hours, than eat and sleep and I can start doing my things. OK I really knew shit about babies until we made one. There is no such as safe area unless I don’t want to put Little L into some cage. He also does not play by himself for hours and he has two very short naps a day, if he has a good day :).
So I really really wander how those super women out there do it. What is the secret of their time management. How come they look great, feel great, they go to gym, take care of a baby, work and in the evening when their little treasures fall asleep they feel sexy enough to seduce their men and whats more they even have enough energy to have a wild sex. And they have my respect if they manage just half of it.

I’m not joking here. I really am in a HUGE self doubts phase. But at the same time I am as happy as I never was before. I am happy at night when I feel his hands reaching for me in the dark and his face with closed eyes trying to find my breast – for the 5th time in three hours – looking for comfort. When I see him calming down and falling back to sleep while he nurses and while I am lying in a terrible inhuman position just not to wake him up again.

I feel happiness that can not be described when he looks at me and smiles looking already so aware of word around him. When his eyes search for me in the room after he looses me from sight. When he laughs and giggles laud on my attempts to be funny.

When he hugs me and snuggles his head somewhere between my breast and arm as if he wanted to be a part of my body for a while again. When I see him being curious and so eager to be discovering and learning. When he explores my face with his hand and always finishes with squeezing my nose for five minutes.

I love that he gives me a chance to have a look at the world that already got usual for me. I feel like blind who was given new eyes. I love his facial expressions when he experiences something new, when he feels new tastes, when he hears weird sounds, I love how his emotions are so pure and intense. I loved his toothless smile and now I love those two tiny teeth sticking out and even those two new upper monsters that are giving him such a hard time. Its a bitter sweet feeling to watch him grow and change every single day, but what it brings along is overwhelming.

I remember my mother always using a phrase “U will understand THIS only once you have a child of your own” which I of course hated from the bottom of my heart. Oh my, how right she was. Only now through him I can understand what is fear, what is happiness, what is humbleness, what is unconditional love. Becoming a mother is such valuable thing, it changes the perception of the world, it is a chance to be reborn and it is definitely a source of extreme emotions. So I guess self doubts are simply part of the journey and I have to learn how to live with them.

 

 

leo8

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it took me 3 days to writ this post :)

it took me 3 days to writ this post :)

  

It is really difficult to write a decent blog post when having 4 months old person living with you, well at least for me it is. I know there are some super women out there who can handle it all but I have to officially admit I am not one of them.

First of all there is the well known not interesting “I have NO time” reason, everybody knows about IT, I knew about it before giving birth, well at least I thought I knew. And I was sure I will be able to manage without any problems, but THE reality exceeded my expectations. I really really have no time. 90% of my day I am a full time servant to his majesty Little L and the rest 10% is the time that I’d would like to spend spoiling myself by such a fancy treat as shower, maybe even drying my hair with hairdryer – what a luxury – or just a simple sitting staring to nowhere and doing nothing. But the list of to do’s is way to long and 10% is 10%. I have to set some priorities and writing a blog post is sadly not one of them. OK don’t get me wrong I am NOT complaining I am simply stating the facts here. But even when impossible happens like it did tonight and Little L, who seems to think that sleep deprived mama is FUN mama, goes to sleep at reasonable hour leaving me confused and lost with my laptop, I have a problem…WHAT should I write about. If I don’t want to bother you with small milestones of Little L’s everyday life than I would have to talk about my achievements in my own game called winning on dogs shit battlefield which basically means trying to step into least possible dog’s shit during our everyday walks in Skaryszewski.

But who would care about that? I can not turn this blog into “what I wore today” kind of blog because all you would look at would be photos of me wrapped around some blooming tree in the same sweatpants most of the week, and that is not a true fashionista style :).

I also can not run a food porn blog. I see myself standing in my pyjama with spots from leaking milk on my breast, here and there fresh traces of Little L stomach content, using only one hand to eat really quick while rocking Little guy who is sitting content in his chair, content unless the chair is rocked by me of course even though he can rock himself pretty well. Having a nice breakfast small talk with Mr.B is a story from different reality…But we did have a dinner together the other day, in the bathroom, Mr.B standing me sitting next to the bathtub eating soup that was not even warm enough watching Little L enjoying his evening bath…I do cook from time to time, and the food is even tasty but to upgrade this fact to a keystone on which food porn blog could be built is impossible as it is simply missing that final touch…so what else can a woman who is full time mother to her FIRST baby write about…/FIRST is in capitals because I do believe that by some miracle everything gets easier with the second one/.

I could write about Little L’s achievements, but as he is in his teething period the biggest achievement is one uninterrupted hour of sleep during day. I remember reading somewhere in some smart ass article that good mothers know why their babies cry. What a bullshit! Or maybe I am not a good mother. Anyhow there are times when he screams so much that he is all purple short of breath and I am worried he is gonna faint, but even if I try to be the best mother I can, I really have no clue what is his problem. There are common symptoms for teething, for stomachache but what if your baby does not show any of those and still cries like insane and than suddenly out of a blue something happens and its quiet followed by huge smile from ear to ear. I wonder who writes that kind of articles and how are they supposed to help to anyone.

Good mother – what does that mean anyway. When I was pregnant and complaining that I feel as if my belly was a public property I was warned that what comes after the baby is born is even worse. People telling you what to do and how to do it and by people was not meant the closest family but complete strangers that don’t know you at all. That was something I could not imagine and I thought it must be some kind of bad urban legend, but guess what IT IS NOT. This shit happens for real and I am amazed how it is even possible that somebody who has never ever talked to you can judge you as parent. How does that happen that some people are convinced that they can comment on other people’s lives. I don’t want to sound pissed or frustrated by writing this because I am not and by far I don’t even want to sound like I am defending myself because thats again something I don’t need to do. I just want to say that I hate judgements and monothematism.

So to make things clear to those who are having concerns about Little L’s health or wellbeing. We take Little L for walks in his trolley  in a sling or a carrier. He loves the trolley and he loves carrier but he is not a fun of slings, and I love what makes HIM happy. Sometimes when I carry him for hours around the house I am happy my back can rest a little and we go for a walk with the trolley. Or I want to take photos and hanging a camera on your neck when there is a baby is quite impossible. There are times when he spends half a day in carrier because thats what we both want to do that particular day. I don’t understand almost surreal obsessions of some mamas over how to carry a baby. Common ladies take it easy. Our mothers raised 90% of our generation in the trolleys  that were archaic compared to what we have now and it does not seem to have damaged us for life or everybody’s family relationships. There are women out there who are on wheel chairs, women with back problems, women with other issues that bring some restrictions on the way they carry their babies but that sure does not categorise them to be bad or non carrying mothers. Women tend to become somehow militant when it comes to kids raising questions and that is freaky dangerous. Easy going mothers raise easy going people and easy going people are nice to be around.

…………….and some long forgotten photos from Vienna……….

 

  

  

sunday

sunday

  

veeery lazy weekend…my one day trip to Germany on friday was kind of exhausting so I decided to treat myself with a proper weekend…I did not do anything meaningful on saturday besides taking Mr.T for a long long long walk…today just chilled in bed for most of the day, reading books, listening to Mr.T snoring….and now is the time to finish some things…this week I’m doing some more prints and than I will start the “selling action” on ma FB page….

thursday

thursday

 

today was a good day…there were two surprises waiting for me…well the first one was actually only a half way surprise, but it made me happy as if it was a true one…exactly today on St. Nicolas day I found in my post box two books I ordered some time ago…Its Wildwood and it was written by Colin Meloy from Decemberists and beautifully illustrated by his wife Carson Ellis. The illustrations were actually the reason why I decided to get them but now that they’r here printed on nice paper and counting loads of pages I guess I just have to read them :)…. And the second surprise of the day was a big one…I’m not quite sure why I decided to share it with you….honestly I’m not a big fan of – what I wore today, how my hair looks today, what I ate today – type of blogs….and believe me its not because my closet counts only couple of favorite pieces or because my hair looks the same everyday and I eat whatever I see and mainly I see rise with tofu for 3 euros :)….But anyway….my mom who is a very busy person was driving by Vienna today for some meeting and called me to meet her in front of my house so she could give me St.Nicolas present…she even had not time to get of the car….as she is so busy and I am 33 I simply found that incredibly sweet…and when I looked into the package and found broccoli and Baileys I just could not help myself…hope u had a good one today as well…cheers :)

wednesday

wednesday

 

out of a blue something reminded me lyrics of a song that I actually hate…but the words just seemed so right today “too much love will kill you”….without being pathetic I find that sentence quite “thinking stimulating”

tuesday

tuesday

 

Last week was kind of a mess…and I almost did not make it today with the desk photo….but still 40 min to go till the end of the day…do you ever feel sad for no reason?

monday

monday

 

 

I don’t feel like writing anything today….feel very helpless and sad…I’m a vegetarian…I would never go to ZOO, bull fights, or got myself whatever made of fur….I’m trying to help to various shelter houses in Slovakia as much as I can….transporting dogs from place to place when I have a place in the car, collecting things for auctions that shelter houses organize to raise money…sending my own money to support them…because I believe that my own money makes me most happy when it brings happiness to someone else…there is a lot of ways how to help it only requires wanting….and there is sadly not many people who want…but a lot of those who have millions of reasons why they can’t help “at the moment”…and even more of those who never even play with the idea that they could help….I’m not capable of understanding why people treat animals badly…whatever…when I have to face so much cruelty performed on animals by fucking “humans” as I did today I only feel like disappearing somewhere else….it makes me feel so powerless and deeply unhappy and really really fucking angry….

new drawing for silk screen printing…I hope it will turn out well in print

sunday

sunday

 

 

its sunday…tomorrow monday and after tomorrow tuesday…that’s when Mr.B leaves to Miami for 3 weeks and I’m gonna stay in this beautiful white…and when I say beautiful I really mean it…I like those calm days when I sit at my desk and draw or think about drawing and look outside and see the rooftops that are disappearing into the white void which makes it look so surreal…or to read…recently bought 8 new books and that got me really excited…and I have a plan to go on hunt through some antiquarian bookshops and look for old illustrated books…and thats all I wanted to say on this quiet white sunday

PS: and one more thing I wanted to share…today while Mr.B was packing to Miami he found a present he got me in Kijev but forgot about….I still have to laugh when I look at it :D…that’s what I love about him…his sense of humor and originality

Friday

Friday

 

I feel that the older I am the more I’m trying to dig those tiny rests of child in me and bring them to life, take good care of them and hopefully make them grow bigger and bigger…Its so unfair how people when they’r kids want to grow up as fast as possible and do everything as adults…horrible..there should be some meaningful way of telling them to not hurry…to enjoy every second they have as kids because its so magic…being adult gets boring as hell because we are adults for most of our lives…so I found myself in the point where I consider those people who are funny ways negatively labeled as “the ones that never grew up” most interesting…I have feel such admiration to those who consciously resisted and reserved the luxury of keeping that childish to bigger extent than rest of us…what the hell…it is the biggest treasure one can have and should not let go of – that always surprised and curious soul, naturalness and impressibility….I remember reading a book by Jostein Gaarder – Sophie’s world when I was a teenager…I have to definitely read it again…but anyway there was this amazing description of growing up which I found so beautiful that I keep coming back to it till now….and I do think I’ve ever after read anything that magically explaining such a horrible fact :)…..so I am very often imagining myself how I am climbing up the rabbits fur and falling back on my ass….trying to find that particular part of the text I came across other quote that is just as magic….here u go

“A lot of people experience the world with the same incredulity as when a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat.…We know that the world is not all sleight of hand and deception because we are in it, we are part of it. Actually we are the white rabbit being pulled out of the hat. The only difference beween us and the white rabbit is that the rabbit does not realize it is taking part in a magic trick.” ..”As far as the white rabbit is concerned, it might be better to compare it with the whole universe. We who live here are microscopic insects existing deep down in the rabbit’s fur. But philosophers are always trying to climb up the fine hairs of the fur in order to stare right into the magician’s eyes……In one of his early letters to her Alberto had talked about the similarity between children and philosophers. She realized again that she was afraid of becoming an adult. Suppose she too ended up crawling deep down into the fur of the white rabbit that was pulled out of the universe’s top hat!…..Sophie realized that she had already begun to crawl down into the cozy rabbit’s fur, the very same rabbit that had been pulled from the top hat of the universe. But the philosopher had stopped her. He—or was it a she?—had grabbed her by the back of the neck and pulled her up again to the tip of the fur where she had played as a child. And there, on the outermost tips of the fine hairs, she was once again seeing the world as if for the very first time.”

“let’s say you and a small child go to a magic show, where things are made to float in the air. Which of you would have the most fun?” “I probably would.” “And why would that be?” “Because I would know how impossible it all is.” “So… for the child it’s no fun to see the laws of nature being defied before it has learned what they are. As long as we are children, we have the ability to experience things around us – but then we grow used to the world. To grow up is to get drunk on sensual experience.”

Thursday

Thursday

  

 

Today is very white….I wonder what makes the roof tops so beautiful…kept staring at them for one hour today while eating asian fast food 3rd time in 4 days…well I m sure not a food pornistA :)…but I cook for Mr.T and he seems to like it…I m working on logo proposals for my beloved husband and I let my mind do whatever it wants…and it sure took me to some strange places…I wish I had a room completely full of flowers…like a botanic garden…there would be loads of flower tops hanging down from ceiling..I love that…just wonder how difficult is to water them all…And I m reading quite a good book which brought me to this poem by Plath

The hills step off into whiteness.

People or stars

Regard me sadly, I disappoint them.

The train leaves a line of breath.

O slow

Horse the colour of rust,

Hooves, dolorous bells –

All morning the

Morning has been blackening,

A flower left out.

My bones hold a stillness, the far

Fields melt my heart.

They threaten

To let me through to a heaven

Starless and fatherless, a dark water.
I like it even though I m not into poems…If you r thinking what to read I can only recommend The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey – besides the fact that it is a book I read some time ago and still keep thinking about it, it also has surprisingly nice cover illustration by Alaskan artist Barbara Lavallee.

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I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).


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