When Little L was born I could not see him during the first moments. Mr.B however was there to give me a sign if everything is OK and looks OK. The very first thing he told me with tears in his eyes was:”He does not have a flat head.” Even in such stressful situation I thought it was a very funny statement even more so because it was not meant to be funny, it actually was very serious. I remember how we were warned couple of times not to be worried when we see our baby for the first time as babies have really strange shapes of heads after the birth. But Mr.B knew that I have FLAT HEAD paranoia and he knew it was so strong that he even forgot that babies are normally not born with flat heads :).

Oh yes I had terrible paranoia of flat headed Leo possibility. This fear developed to its maximum actually in Poland. When we first met with Mr.B he had his hat on. The second time we met I was too drunk to notice that he had a really really flat head. At the point I discovered he is flat headed I found him to interesting and there was no step back :). But I truly like nice shapes of heads, and I like them even more now as they are really scarce commodities in Poland. Actually I have never ever seen so many flat heads as I see when I am walking streets of Warszaw. I don’t know where this comes from but its a fact. At one point I started doubting my own opinion but I was reassured that I am right when my sister came over. I did not tell her anything, I was just waiting. And it came. After couple of days she told me if I have ever realised how many flat headed men there is around. Mr.B know very well my flat head issues. He even asked a hairdresser once about a hairdo that would camouflage his head and the hairdresser told him he has a lot of men asking for the same thing :). So when Little L arrived we were only letting him sleep on the side. We were changing the sides of course and I was happy he had a really nice shape of head up to his two months. But than things started to change. No matter what I did he always ended up sleeping on his back, and his head was slowly becoming flat. Until one day when I looked at him from the side and realised that the situation is alarming and his had is as flat as polish landscape. I knew something had to be done. I goggled about flat heads on slovak sites and the only information I could find was “let it be, it will change as he gets older”. What a bullshit! Typical slovak, let it be and wait until things get done by themselves. Slovaks are truly very passive nation deep inside. Than Mr.B googled about flat heads on polish web and there was the solution. NO let it be, NO wait until it gets better but act and act now. This way we found out about cranio therapy which is a treatment of head deformities. Known in the world apart from Slovakia. We knew we have to do it so that Little L would never have to think about hairdos to make his head look good. We went to Berlin to cranioform clinic where they measured L’s head and suggested us to undertake helmet therapy for approximately next 4 months. I was not even aware of what kind of deformities of heads there are and how they influence facial and oral development of babies. Knowing what I know now I find statement wait until it gets better with age punishable. It would only get worse with time. And I was very happy to see how many parents with babies from different countries there were every day. Anyway we were leaving Berlin with a nice craniohelmet on Little L’s head /which stopped bothering him in two days if you wonder/ and some new plans for the future. New fresh place brought us some new fresh ideas. But I’ll keep those to myself until I’m not sure it will turn out the way we plan it. PS: And for those who think we are harming Little L to make him look good and we are some weird parents please note that flat headness – Plagiocephaly is a osteophatic condition characterized by an asymmetrical distortion of skull and can lead to problematic development of face, jaw bones and other oral problems. PS2: Those of you who might be interested there is a blog in polish on this topic and as far as I know there is as well place in Poland I guess in Krakow where they do helmet therapy as well. We decided to do it in Berlin because we wanted to visit Berlin, meet my sister who lives in Germany and because we thought they have much more experiences when it comes to therapy. PS3:Forum in polish

hello Berlin

It is really difficult to write a decent blog post when having 4 months old person living with you, well at least for me it is. I know there are some super women out there who can handle it all but I have to officially admit I am not one of them.

  

and little video from our trip….enjoy your sunday

  
Primorje from Bart Pogoda on Vimeo.
 camera, edit, colors – Silvia & Bart Pogoda
music Pink Martini – Anna (el negro zumbon)
www.bartpogoda.net
www.silviapogoda.com

During last months of my pregnancy when I looked like a whale abandoned on the shore by greenpeace I was dreaming, dreaming, dreaming about going for a road trip somewhere as soon as I could fit into the car seat. Mr.B and I planned all sorts of possible scenarios. Of course we knew there will be one more person with us, but we had no clue. Logically if parents love to travel the kid HAS to love it just as much.

I have been wanting to write this post for so long. I was dreaming about it. I planed to do it before Christmas, than during Christmas, than I thought I would post it on 31.12 or maybe 1.1. but I just was not able to take that time. To steal one uninterrupted hour, without beeping of finished washing machine program, barking of Mr.T, crying of Little L., without having to look at pile of clothes waiting to be ironed, diapers waiting to be washed, Mr.T’s hair on the floor screaming to be vacuumed. All those things that have to be done in short breaks when Little L. has successfully finished his visit in milky bar and fell asleep.

Now when it looks like this may be THAT one hour (there is still clothes waiting to be ironed, and full washing machine waiting to be turned on, and Mr.T will probably bark within next 5 minutes) – lets say almost uninterrupted hour I can’t remember what I actually planed to say. To be focused and concentrated exactly when that short moment of peace happens is quite impossible. I feel as I would probably feel if I was a man and I would be expected to have erection on demand – impossible – and I chose this comparison because I don’t even want to talk about mental possibilities but it looks like physical ones stand even more the way.

As soon as THE short moment of peace happens I feel like falling asleep right away…my body stops listening to me and requests to fill up the missing gas. It is not saying that Little L. is a difficult baby,not at all,but time management is different and I find it sometimes difficult to divide the rests of my free time when Little L. sleeps between Mr.T, my family, things I have to do and thing I want to do – the last ones always loose :)

  

Its been 16 day since Mr.L made his appearance into this world….16 crazy days…emotional roller coaster ride. There has been a LOT of crying….crying for no reason, crying for millions of reasons…out of sentiment, out of love, out of pain, fear, happiness, sadness, exhaustion, despair, simply loads of crying. Whatever I have thought that might happen after I become a mother was galaxies away from reality. And it started with birth itself. I was dreaming of a home water birth….I saw myself in that funny plastic pool in the middle of our living room. Mr.B would be cooking a dinner, Mr.T would be shocked running around, and I would be giving a birth to our son looking into the garden on those huge black crowns that wander around, of course with the assistance of a skilled midwife that I would fully trust. My dream of a home birth was cut short when I actually met the midwife which is known in Poland for promoting home births. Well the first thing she did when we met was telling me to give birth in the birth house that she runs and not to do it at home without actually giving me some reasonable explanation except for bureaucratic obstructions. I was so shocked that I could hardly talk to her back. The reason why I came to give birth in Poland was that I wanted to do it my way – the way it is not possible in Slovakia. And there is this “most” competent person who should help me and support me telling me that I should do it in her facility which , as she thinks, looks almost like at home. I was trying to fight back but when she asked about my past and heard about my miscarriage 3 years ago there was no more talking. I was simply not qualified to give birth at home. So I was trying to refocus myself to the idea that Mr.T will not be there during my labor, that Mr.B will not be making dinner and I will not look into the garden instead I will walk down that sterile hallway with plastic floor, horrible lights to end up in a room which is supposed to feel like home but in reality it feels like a fake room pretending to be “home” with fake bed pretending to be my bed, the room where nothing feels like home. But it seemed that there is no other way so I had to and I did sort of adopted that idea, but soon after new circumstances started to pop out. It looked like my pregnancy will never end and Mr.L has decided not to ever come out for some reason. I even started to think that he was gonna start to get smaller and smaller again until he would just disappear. The longer I was past my due date, the more confusing opinions I was getting from different doctors that were seeing me almost daily. Suddenly I did not even qualified for birth in the birth house because according to USG Mr.L was over 4 kg which meant I had to give birth in a proper hospital. All the pictures I had in my mind faded away and I was left with nothing to hold on to. All my plans, everything was gone and I lost the solid ground under my feet. After two very stressful and chaotic days of decision making I ended up in completely different hospital than planed, with midwifes I did not know. I did all I could to give natural birth, not at home in the water, not in the birth house…in the hospital but at least natural. I wanted the best for Mr.L and I am sure natural birth is the best. After 17 hours of labor my last dream exploded and it only took half an hour until I was connected to all kinds of machines with blue courtain in front of my face and Mr.B holding my hand….in a terrifying fear prepared for C section – something that I did not even think of as a possibility for long 10 months. Something that was such a bad option that I just forgot that it existed. The reason I am writing all this is the one short but monumental moment when I thought I’ve gone insane, the moment when I felt as if I traveled into the space around the earth and back in one second…the moment when I heard Mr.L cry, I could not see him, all I could see was tears in Mr.B’s eyes… I think if I gave birth the way I hoped it would be great peaceful and quiet experience, but the way things turned out made me go through something overwhelmingly strong….I felt so sorry for giving birth that way, I felt sorry for that little guy who was cut out of my body and held by some strange guy with a mask on his face and plastic gloves on his hands into the cold white hospital lights and sounds of surgical instruments instead of Nigel Kennedy as I planned. I was so sorry that first people touching Mr.L are those anonymous silhouettes doing their routine in the most emotionless way possible. I was following Mr.B with my eyes just to read from his face if everything is OK and the moment he looked at me and gave me a sign that little guy has all his fingers and other body parts on the proper places I could finally start to cry… Its been 16 days since the big bang day and I have cried every single day. I cried because my heart or whatever is the place where we store our emotions got so full that it felt painful. It was full of love towards Mr.B for being the best father, to Mr.T for accepting little man and towards Mr.Leo who came from some unknown galaxy and crawled on my chest as a little / ok maybe not so little / warm looking so lost and confused. I cried because in one moment I could feel all the fears of generations of mothers, I cried because I thought I can not handle having one more person to worry about in my life, I cried because I was looking at Mr.Leo and I had to think of mortality in a completely new way, I cried because I was afraid I will die while he is still a child and I will not be able to be there for him when he goes through hard times of growing up, I cried because I wanted to pause life for a moment, I wanted to have a chance to record all his facial expressions, every single sound he made, just to remember it. I cried because I knew it was not possible and that I am going to forget tons of beautiful moments and it felt so unfair. I cried because Mr.Leo cried, I cried because I was tired of Mr.Leo crying, I cried because I thought I will not make it – we will not make it, I cried because I thought I am the worse mother ever, I cried when I realized this is for real and I can’t give him back in hospital claiming that he is not what I asked for after not sleeping for 4 nights. I cried because he was so vulnerable, so fragile, so helpless that it hurt me. I cried for Mr.T because I was worried how he feels, I cried because Mr.B was the best husband I could wish for, I cried because I was so happy that it was literally taking my breath, I cried because I was feeling ugly and worn out, I cried because I forgot my bathrobe in the hospital, I cried when I went for the first walk with Mr.T alone, and I cried for no reason at all. Yes I did jump on a craziest emotional rollecoaster of my life, going up and down, going really high and really low within seconds. Most intense 16 days of my life and I believe of Mr. Leo’s as well :). Its has been very exhausting both physically and mentally, every single day brought some new challenges to fight with and I know this is just a beginning. For now all I can do is take it as it comes hour by hour, day by day. I don’t even plan for tomorrow, because tomorrow everything happens according to Mr.Leo’s decision and I will go with the flow. I’m learning a lot these days….I m looking out of the window thinking of novembers…november three years ago when I was short after loosing our “first” child and than I have to pinch myself to remind me that this all is happening for real.

PS: My instagram feed naturally became Mr.Leo and Mr.Teo feed…oh yes now I understand why that happens….simply because I spend 24 hours with those two polyps at home, ironing and doing washing in the short breaks between nursing.

PS 2: I have received a beautiful letter…true letter not an email from a person who did not leave any contact so I can’t write back. But I hope that person will read this one day and will know that I am very very very thankful for those words as much as for the fact that it was a letter and also for the fact that that person had to think how to deliver it to me as she did not know my address and simply for deciding to write it. Thank you so much !!!!

  

 

 

Last week we went for a short trip – “vacation” to Mazury. We would love to make a longer trip to some more exciting destination but even those 3 hours in the car were not the most pleasant experience of my life. For some time now we were trying to find sort of an “escape” place not far from Warsaw, where we could easy drive (not for 6 hours) to spend couple of days. A place that would fulfill our – I don’t think hight – expectations, which means privacy, nice surroundings, lake or river, apartment with kitchen, not to many people which in reality means from 2 to 0 :), and of course place that does not look like stuck in 90’s super polish design mode. We were not very lucky so last year we to do a trip to Mazury with our beloved Sven….And that truly was something! We came back after 4 days and 3 nights, exhausted, pissed and in a really really bad mood, but that is a separate story. This year I somehow accidentally came across place Masuria Arte and we were sure that is the place. And IT WAS THE PLACE. Everything was perfect. Private lake, loads and loads of space around for walking, only three apartments which meant very few people, nice design, small veggie garden….ideal. BUT that ‘s it. Driving to get there was terrifying – well for me. Before each time when I came to Poland I sort of was taking things easy here, or at least I was trying to (when I forget about our robbed flat and some drunk sick bastard beating me up on the street). Polish adventure was always just an adventure for limited amount of time. I knew I was coming to Poland just for a period of time and I knew I was going back to Vienna. unconsciously this fact was sitting there in the back of my mind and was letting me take things easy. Easy in the sense that I was just overlooking them, taking them as part of “adventure” in this “exotic” country. This year things changed, and they changed a LOT. I know now that I am not packing myself by the end of september and I am not going back to Vienna. I know I am staying here, and next year, and next and next…..This is now the country that I am going to live (if some sort of miracle does not happen and we will not get an offer of well payed jobs somewhere else), the country that is supposed to become my home. And this fact scared the shit out of me in such a way that it even surprised me. And yes, I realized that drive to and back from Mazury. I was thinking if I should write this post at all and not just skip it post the photos without any comment. I hate to cumulate negative energy, as there is enough of it around anyway…and making statement in the virtual space is even more tricky, as people tend to take things more personally and have less distance. But I just have to get it all out no matter how many of those who will read it will think I am a sucker. Whatever you might think, Poland is one of the visually most depressive places I know. Driving through Lomza gave me one of the most creepiest feelings, almost claustrophobic, as if I was closed in a small dark room without air and possibility to get out. That is probably because I realized that these kind of views are my reality now. Since I came here in July I was more or less closed at home or walking around in Saska Kepa. I did have a strange feeling of some sort of agression among people that was kind of hidden under the surface but you could just sense it almost everywhere. Kind of tension, people are not nice to each other, they give u bad looks, they are pissed about something most of the time, talk together in a very provocative way and explode easily. Yes I did feel that around and even tried to explain it to Mr.B who I think is so used to it that he does not see it anymore. But visually I was in a bubble, disturbed by amount of broken glass from bottles along Wisla, or trash that people for some strange reason put in the car and drive it to the wood to drop it. But it still was a bubble. As soon as we left central parts of Warszaw and drove through the outskirts and small towns the bubble just deflated like a truck tire and I was staring around me in shock. What happened in this place should be punished. I remember having a separate post on my blog about how much I love and admire polish poster design. But that is a past….polish design is past. What happened to that craftmanship and mastery of using types, of lettering, of working with colors and space? Where did it all go? Who let this dehonesting situation to go so far. Enormous amount of posters, advertisings, billboards create a separate space within a space. They cover everything that can be covered,using the most awful fonts, and colors and shadings and photos, there is no creativity it is just a plain horror that attacks your sight and gives you headache. Your eyes have no place where they could stop for a minute to rest, it is one attack after another. Billboards covering buildings that have nothing to do with architecture and in between there are these huge gypsum statues of horses, bulls, spiderman, buffalos and I don’t know what else sticking out as some kind of proud figurative masterpieces, together with plastic palms covered in dust. It looks like if somebody delibrately decided to screw up everything that can be screwed. There is zero feeling for any kind of aesthetics, zero feeling for the nature, for combining architecture with the actual space, zero respect for the country and for the people as well. Driving couple of hours through places like this surely must provoke agression. There is no other way. It is like turning on TV and switching the channels really fast for 3 hours, your eyes and brain get so exhausted and besotted that you start to be really nervous and easy irritable which is only one step away from either depression or agression. Now I can say that I really admire people who live here and are still able to create any kind of beauty whatsoever, who remain positive and creative, because I was not positive at all, and even less creative as we arrived to our place, where we literally locked ourselves for one week without any attempts to drive around and discover. I am not gonna try to make this sound any better than I mean it. It really is horrible and something should be done to stop this ridiculous and punishable devastation of the country. And instead of people start being sensitive on it, and start seeing those things trying to change them they get to read even more ridiculous article in one of the most opininon-forming newspaper. An american writer Jenn Pelly visits Poland for music festival and writes and article about it. Besides all the positive reactions to the music scene itself she is so “impertinent” to write also something negative about the place itself. AND SO WHAT. She was right. How come people are only able to accept the glory but reject completely critic? The fact that anonymous readers, frustrated haters and dickheads were insulting her on internet is nothing unexpected or new, but that the text in Gazeta Wybiorcza with master title “Ratunku, naszych bija!” was a true shame. Whoever wrote it probably does not read well in english, does not see, or has some other problem with accepting reality. But the polish reality will not change unless people will not be able to be critical about themselves and have a bit of fucking distance. OK that is about all I wanted to say :) ….. I am not Jenn Pelly and I am not writing an article for american paper….I am coming from postcomuinst country as well …. from country that is FAR away from being perfect in any way just as other countries I know. But that does not mean I can not have an opinion on Poland and that this opinion can even be negative in some aspects. And now I am gonna take Mr.T for “fakir” walk by Wisla and think about black storks……

 

Croatia and Slovenia was supposed to be our short holidays before the summer which we plan to spend in Warsaw. As we try to avoid high season traveling the time was just perfect, but when it comes to destination we could have chosen better. Croatia is a beautiful country but if you are vegetarian you are gonna have a hard time, and if you are vegan you might have a serious problem. I thought Slovakia was a “meat country” but it is no way close to Croatia…every restaurant or shop sign proudly says they sell meat and fish and for the climate they have their salads are surprisingly monotonous…well if we ever travel there again we definitely go only for the option of accommodation with kitchen….but as it was tree (four) of us together and we met very few people we actually had a good time…slow life
  

 

yesterday was finally the day after a long long winter that I could enjoy outside….not in the park but in the wood, seeing no people, hearing no disturbing sounds of cars, bicycles, telephones…I loved it…it made me feel so clam….last days I m starting to feel better…no more 20 hours sleep a day, no more stomach aches….but I think the less I feel physical pain the more its getting on my “head” :) I’ve been going thorough our blog archives looking at the memories of the time we spent together – Mr.B, Mr.T and I ….I felt so nostalgic…I know its never gonna be the same again..of course something new is coming…but as I never had kids before and for last 20 years there was no babies in my close family, this new reality that is waiting for us is so abstract that even if trying hard I can’t imagine what its gonna be like, how its gonna feel…for now all I feel is sort of a ending to one part of a story…I’ve realized that its been just tree of us till now and that we were doing pretty well..most of the time in no need to connect to world around…

  

couple of days ago Mr.B wrote me a short email saying: ” I really liked our trip to japan. i fell like we were only people there and the rest of them they were just background. love “…I just loved it because that is pretty much how the last four years felt like …..

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

….however unbelievable and stupid this may sound, it is the fact …..I’m ( soon to be 32 ) officially beginning summer holidays today…..we have loads of plans for summer and I know already, that some of those “events” ahead of us will sure be unforgettable….so I’ll start “holidays” today with washing windows…

….necessary update on today….I have to scream it out loud…..one week ago Mr.T had to be castrated….we went to see the vet, he checked Mr. and said the surgery has to be done right NOW, cause there are two tumors visible on his testicles….I was paralyzed…surgery went well, castration is normally uncomplicated surgery major…but one week waiting for the lab results was like living in the dark….and now the sun came out again…Mr.T is OK….tumors were removed soon enough, before they even had time to become malignant..

….SO, I’m opening a bottle of vine now to Mr.T’s HEALTH!!!…..