Is that really already two years ago? Yesterday Bart finished putting this video together, two years after our trip to Asia. I watched it and smiled but it hurt. Passing of time, without mercy without compromises. I could feel emotions from those particular moments, I have a visual memory and remember all the details, but emotions are the strangest because I can still feel them they are so alive. Having this kind of memories is so awkward in a way. Just like scrolling through the photos on the phone, couple moves of a finger and you are transmitted in time. My phone has a memory of photographs since Gaias birth. I scroll for seconds and suddenly I see Gaias first breaths while she sits next to me and hugs me. Its a great gift to be able to do so but it also reminds me in a very tangible and straight forward way of all the yesterdays that are gone. And today I get frustrated because kids don’t listen to me, I get frustrated because once again as for past months I did not manage to find time for myself to work one projects that sit in my mind. And than today I watch our video from two years ago and I feel I don’t care about those small, unimportant obstacles that make motherhood so exhausting, and I fell I don’t have enough. I am with my kids practically 24/7 and yet I feel it is not enough, because my mind is very often far away and it is only my body that moves around, because I think about things I might be missing on, jobs, work, projects, meeting people, life. And than I watch our video and I know those moments when my mind travels to the dark corners of doubts, comparation, self pity and fear are the moments that I regret most. Because those moments don’t give me anything in change for the intentional time they take away from me.  Because I love to be with my kids and watch them grow and change and hold them and show them world and laugh with them. They piss me of like nobody else but make me happy like nobody else, make me full, they fill my cup and empty my cup. But this is me, I don’t need much from life, I don’t have high expectations, I am the woman who wants to live life with kids while they want. Because inn the evening when they fall asleep and I have moment to think I don’t find myself regretting that I said no to the offered jobs or to the invitations to parties or cooperations. I only find myself regretting the time that has passed and I was not present and I was not humble.

I tend to put myself down for many things, I tend to be hard on myself and cut my own wings. I fight that with small success but in the mess of it all there are some bright moments when things seems to make sense, when everything is so clear and I feel like I understand who I am. And that I do it just right, giving my family time and also slowly finding time to do my stuff because Leo and Gaia now have longer and longer periods where they drift into their imaginary world of play. But I know that for those years to come I will try to get most of the time we have together because it is most valuable, most beautifully and happily spent life.

Okinawa Trip 2018 from eyaeya on Vimeo.

music Mongol800

film Silvia Bart Leo Gaia

Before the year is over it is good to finish everything that had been started and remains hanging somewhere in between and to close all the subjects to not carry on with old topics. Something new is to come and its great to have that imaginary cleansing bath, to wake up in a fresh smelling sheets and have a chance of pretending that it is not just another regular day but that we can do something from scratch with new cards in hand. New Year is behind the corner and we will be lucky to travel together once again in another part of the world, and so to close the old one I share a video from our veeeery laid back trip to England. The place was a huge surprise to us and we want to be back again next year if it will be possible.

And to those of you who still come here once in a while to check if I woke up from my publishing lethargy I would like from the deepest of my heart wish that the next year would be a year of positive changes, as that is something we all need constantly. I wish you patience, calmness, closeness, balance, minimalism in materialism, and maximalism in relationships, conscious ecological choices and happiness. Every time you can choose happy and choose love. Don’t be a storage of negative emotions and don’t let emotions rule your world. Be opened to them and let them pass. I know it sounds so banal but I believe that it actually is that simple we just learned to make it unnecessary complicated. OK that was actually what I wish for myself but I wish you the same. See you in 2018. ❤️

Devon & Cornwall from eyaeya on Vimeo.

I was in Japan twice in my life. First time I was pregnant with Leo, second time with Gaia. Having kids is an amaizing one of a kind, unique journey which I wish I started much sooner so we could have at least tree little people but I know this will not happen anymore. So at least next time I go to Japan I will fully enjoy some hot baths. This little blink is a continuation of our trip one year ago as a family of 4 already. Gaia than was HUGE, SCARY unknow to us. And today all the pieces of our puzzle are in the right place. Its nice to be family of four. Everything is just perfect

Trip to Japan 2016 from eyaeya on Vimeo.

It is little off topic maybe, for sure out of date….video from our trip to NZ one year ago
Life is just to fast…and I should not have watched it this morning. Seeing Leo so small and cute and still a baby tore me appart. Its unfair that babies are babies for so short and everything else takes ages. I blinked my eyes and he is suddenly so grown up and big and independent and I miss his tinyness. I remember that I always wanted to soak in every single moment with him to feel and keep in my memory and it is only one year and so many moments have been forgoten. I want to recall that touch on his little nose, my fingers through his long hair that were soft like feathers but all I have is videos to remind me of those ephemeral seconds, blinks. And I am thankfull we could have such moments together but its not enough, nothing is enough to soak it all in and not let go.

New Zealand Trip 2016 from eyaeya on Vimeo.

Breaking the silence with a video from our trip to Sicily.I really really hope I’ll be spamming you more often this year with my posts. Lets say Phoenix arose from the ashes :)

Just a short note here.

Children’s view of the world is probably the most valuable thing that we are losing. Having a child is a second chance we are given.

 
Long awaited video from Malta. Its been already two months since we came back, but time is no longer a comprehensible quantity :)

I believe, ok I am almost sure a new post with photos will follow anytime soon :)

Leo and Malta from Bart Pogoda on Vimeo.