I have been wanting to write this post for so long. I was dreaming about it. I planed to do it before Christmas, than during Christmas, than I thought I would post it on 31.12 or maybe 1.1. but I just was not able to take that time. To steal one uninterrupted hour, without beeping of finished washing machine program, barking of Mr.T, crying of Little L., without having to look at pile of clothes waiting to be ironed, diapers waiting to be washed, Mr.T’s hair on the floor screaming to be vacuumed. All those things that have to be done in short breaks when Little L. has successfully finished his visit in milky bar and fell asleep.

Now when it looks like this may be THAT one hour (there is still clothes waiting to be ironed, and full washing machine waiting to be turned on, and Mr.T will probably bark within next 5 minutes) – lets say almost uninterrupted hour I can’t remember what I actually planed to say. To be focused and concentrated exactly when that short moment of peace happens is quite impossible. I feel as I would probably feel if I was a man and I would be expected to have erection on demand – impossible – and I chose this comparison because I don’t even want to talk about mental possibilities but it looks like physical ones stand even more the way.

As soon as THE short moment of peace happens I feel like falling asleep right away…my body stops listening to me and requests to fill up the missing gas. It is not saying that Little L. is a difficult baby,not at all,but time management is different and I find it sometimes difficult to divide the rests of my free time when Little L. sleeps between Mr.T, my family, things I have to do and thing I want to do – the last ones always loose :)

  

Its been 16 day since Mr.L made his appearance into this world….16 crazy days…emotional roller coaster ride. There has been a LOT of crying….crying for no reason, crying for millions of reasons…out of sentiment, out of love, out of pain, fear, happiness, sadness, exhaustion, despair, simply loads of crying. Whatever I have thought that might happen after I become a mother was galaxies away from reality. And it started with birth itself. I was dreaming of a home water birth….I saw myself in that funny plastic pool in the middle of our living room. Mr.B would be cooking a dinner, Mr.T would be shocked running around, and I would be giving a birth to our son looking into the garden on those huge black crowns that wander around, of course with the assistance of a skilled midwife that I would fully trust. My dream of a home birth was cut short when I actually met the midwife which is known in Poland for promoting home births. Well the first thing she did when we met was telling me to give birth in the birth house that she runs and not to do it at home without actually giving me some reasonable explanation except for bureaucratic obstructions. I was so shocked that I could hardly talk to her back. The reason why I came to give birth in Poland was that I wanted to do it my way – the way it is not possible in Slovakia. And there is this “most” competent person who should help me and support me telling me that I should do it in her facility which , as she thinks, looks almost like at home. I was trying to fight back but when she asked about my past and heard about my miscarriage 3 years ago there was no more talking. I was simply not qualified to give birth at home. So I was trying to refocus myself to the idea that Mr.T will not be there during my labor, that Mr.B will not be making dinner and I will not look into the garden instead I will walk down that sterile hallway with plastic floor, horrible lights to end up in a room which is supposed to feel like home but in reality it feels like a fake room pretending to be “home” with fake bed pretending to be my bed, the room where nothing feels like home. But it seemed that there is no other way so I had to and I did sort of adopted that idea, but soon after new circumstances started to pop out. It looked like my pregnancy will never end and Mr.L has decided not to ever come out for some reason. I even started to think that he was gonna start to get smaller and smaller again until he would just disappear. The longer I was past my due date, the more confusing opinions I was getting from different doctors that were seeing me almost daily. Suddenly I did not even qualified for birth in the birth house because according to USG Mr.L was over 4 kg which meant I had to give birth in a proper hospital. All the pictures I had in my mind faded away and I was left with nothing to hold on to. All my plans, everything was gone and I lost the solid ground under my feet. After two very stressful and chaotic days of decision making I ended up in completely different hospital than planed, with midwifes I did not know. I did all I could to give natural birth, not at home in the water, not in the birth house…in the hospital but at least natural. I wanted the best for Mr.L and I am sure natural birth is the best. After 17 hours of labor my last dream exploded and it only took half an hour until I was connected to all kinds of machines with blue courtain in front of my face and Mr.B holding my hand….in a terrifying fear prepared for C section – something that I did not even think of as a possibility for long 10 months. Something that was such a bad option that I just forgot that it existed. The reason I am writing all this is the one short but monumental moment when I thought I’ve gone insane, the moment when I felt as if I traveled into the space around the earth and back in one second…the moment when I heard Mr.L cry, I could not see him, all I could see was tears in Mr.B’s eyes… I think if I gave birth the way I hoped it would be great peaceful and quiet experience, but the way things turned out made me go through something overwhelmingly strong….I felt so sorry for giving birth that way, I felt sorry for that little guy who was cut out of my body and held by some strange guy with a mask on his face and plastic gloves on his hands into the cold white hospital lights and sounds of surgical instruments instead of Nigel Kennedy as I planned. I was so sorry that first people touching Mr.L are those anonymous silhouettes doing their routine in the most emotionless way possible. I was following Mr.B with my eyes just to read from his face if everything is OK and the moment he looked at me and gave me a sign that little guy has all his fingers and other body parts on the proper places I could finally start to cry… Its been 16 days since the big bang day and I have cried every single day. I cried because my heart or whatever is the place where we store our emotions got so full that it felt painful. It was full of love towards Mr.B for being the best father, to Mr.T for accepting little man and towards Mr.Leo who came from some unknown galaxy and crawled on my chest as a little / ok maybe not so little / warm looking so lost and confused. I cried because in one moment I could feel all the fears of generations of mothers, I cried because I thought I can not handle having one more person to worry about in my life, I cried because I was looking at Mr.Leo and I had to think of mortality in a completely new way, I cried because I was afraid I will die while he is still a child and I will not be able to be there for him when he goes through hard times of growing up, I cried because I wanted to pause life for a moment, I wanted to have a chance to record all his facial expressions, every single sound he made, just to remember it. I cried because I knew it was not possible and that I am going to forget tons of beautiful moments and it felt so unfair. I cried because Mr.Leo cried, I cried because I was tired of Mr.Leo crying, I cried because I thought I will not make it – we will not make it, I cried because I thought I am the worse mother ever, I cried when I realized this is for real and I can’t give him back in hospital claiming that he is not what I asked for after not sleeping for 4 nights. I cried because he was so vulnerable, so fragile, so helpless that it hurt me. I cried for Mr.T because I was worried how he feels, I cried because Mr.B was the best husband I could wish for, I cried because I was so happy that it was literally taking my breath, I cried because I was feeling ugly and worn out, I cried because I forgot my bathrobe in the hospital, I cried when I went for the first walk with Mr.T alone, and I cried for no reason at all. Yes I did jump on a craziest emotional rollecoaster of my life, going up and down, going really high and really low within seconds. Most intense 16 days of my life and I believe of Mr. Leo’s as well :). Its has been very exhausting both physically and mentally, every single day brought some new challenges to fight with and I know this is just a beginning. For now all I can do is take it as it comes hour by hour, day by day. I don’t even plan for tomorrow, because tomorrow everything happens according to Mr.Leo’s decision and I will go with the flow. I’m learning a lot these days….I m looking out of the window thinking of novembers…november three years ago when I was short after loosing our “first” child and than I have to pinch myself to remind me that this all is happening for real.

PS: My instagram feed naturally became Mr.Leo and Mr.Teo feed…oh yes now I understand why that happens….simply because I spend 24 hours with those two polyps at home, ironing and doing washing in the short breaks between nursing.

PS 2: I have received a beautiful letter…true letter not an email from a person who did not leave any contact so I can’t write back. But I hope that person will read this one day and will know that I am very very very thankful for those words as much as for the fact that it was a letter and also for the fact that that person had to think how to deliver it to me as she did not know my address and simply for deciding to write it. Thank you so much !!!!

  

 

 

It is for sure, that this is my last post that I am writing pregnant. Actually there is not much that I have to say or show. It turned out that pregnancy is not thrilling state of being as well as subject to write about more than once :), ..or at least for me. If there was some prize or grades giving at the end of those 10 months I sure would not be standing and waiting in the front row. Last weeks, particularly last two are nothing more than just waiting and counting the hours…Not that I could not wait for the change of situation, I simply find living with myself, in my body absolutely unappealing and exhausting. I did not go through this period of my life with much of a spiritual “grace” so to say – its somehow hard for me to be spiritual gaining 23 kg and developing horrible cellulite….I did not feel connected with mother earth or with cosmic powers, I did not feel blessed from God or touched by the spirits crying from sentiment that there is a life blooming inside of me like a magic flower, I did not have goosebumps each time I touched my belly, in fact I was not touching it that much, I did not feel chills going up my spine each time Mr. Little moved inside of me – even though it was pretty impressive sometimes, I did not take my belly selfies with iPhone in the mirror each week, I did not start to write a diary for my unborn child and did not make the ultrasound picture my FB profile photo. I was simply pregnant. It was the only fact I could comprehend, anything else was way beyond my imagination. Even though it is now one last week to go I still cant picture the situation that one day we will be entering our flat together with little person that is to join our 4 and half years quite well functioning little family of three. Of course I know, heard it millions of times, how great and cool and magic it is going to be, but that is something I have to experience in order to understand. For now I am just thinking how it is going to change us ….change Mr.B who probably gets the whole thing even less then me, what is Mr.T going to do as he was almost 10 years my little polyp, how I am going to change. I am expecting all that hormones explosions that I heard about. Am I going to be the mama who only takes photos of her child, every minute of the day, Mr.Little smiling, crying, Mr.Little in dipper sleeping, Mr.Little in the bath looking shocked, Mr.Little licking his fingers, Mr.Little in new cute outfit, Mr.Little in the carseat, Mr.Little under the christmas tree, Mr. Little without the diaper on the bed, on Mr.B’s chest, in my lap, Mr.Little from left, from right, from above and from far….I am not saying there is anything wrong about doing that I’m just wondering if that will naturally become my new instagram feed and I will be completely ok and happy with it. I m thinking how we are going to change as a family….Couple of days ago we were sitting with Mr.B in our little tiny “office” which normally meant that Mr.B was editing photos or videos, I was drawing and Mr.T content that we are all together in such a small place snoring. Well lately I don’t sit there that much as sitting for longer time is quite uncomfortable, but the other night I was sitting there…Mr.T was doing pretty much the same thing as always, Mr.B was watching tutorials on how to operate Red camera and ME? I was watching tutorials as well, tutorials on eco cloth diapers….So here I am waiting for the birth as it will free me from this huge body that is no longer mine, it will allow me to move freely again – not just a short walks with T as I either have pain or I have to go pee, we will be traveling again, I will be able to sit for longer than half an hour, and life will get back to normal, new normal but normal….we ll be sharing everything we know with a little person, showing him the life we love, rediscovering for ourselves small simple things in order to be able to let the small guy experience them as new. But most of all I wish that we will not loose the balance, balance between what makes us us and between being parents, balance between giving ourself to the little man and not forgetting that we are also a couple that is here for each other, and of course not ever letting Mr.T feel that he is of less importance for us as there is a baby on board. If we’ll manage that, there is nothing else I could wish for…besides some exciting illustration job and seeing murmuration live…and some other dreams that are waiting in line….
  

  

I hate the weather talks…always hated them and always will. They are not even useful as a dull conversation saviors…No matter what, the subject weather is always connected with complains…its a never ending story…either too hot, too cold, too much rain, no rain, too much snow, no snow…the weather can never get right for longer than one day. I was always trying to fight with myself not to get involved in such boring and annoying bulshiting and hell that I was really close many times as I don’t happen to be happy about the weather condition all the time as well….last week I was listening a lot about the heat and I had my comments on how people are getting on my nerves complaining that it is too hot…common its a summer time and its supposed to be hot…if it was not everybody would be crying what a fucked up summer it is….BUT….the heat got me…I was trying to be over it very much till sunday evening…yesterday was a total knock down…I’m literally not doing anything else since yesterday but complaining how crazy bad I feel…Our flat thanks to the fact that it’s actually on a cellar level has always been quite cold and very pleasant in the summer…unbeatable got beaten and I’m sweating and boiling in my own sauce…..I had a huge drawing plans, photo plans and kitchen plans as Mr.B’s and my parents are coming for visit tomorrow…NONE of them happened…I spend last two days more or less in the bed half naked with wet towel on my head…Mr.T acts as the weirdest creature in the world…he lies in the sun until he is almost fainting and when we gradually cool him with water he goes inside, hides himself under the bed sheets and comes out only in the moment when he can’t breath anymore….it takes him 20 loud minutes to cool down…and than he does the same thing over again….I really don’t remember introducing him sauna on our trip to Finland…so I wander where this comes from. Well what I wanted to say with all this complaining was that I was all ready to run this blog properly on a regular basis but the weather is against me :)

PS: ps has to be of course…IT has to be because I have to thank for all the comments under my last post…I felt like being welcomed at home after being on a long journey away…I felt like loosing my virginity writing a new post after such a long time and this amazing welcome home was so unexpected and warm that it made me really sentimental.
  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

I remember very well the day I found out that I was pregnant ( or as some say we were pregnant, even though I believe that couple is expecting a child but pregnant is only one of them ). It was 14th of february. Romantic connection is truly just a coincidence. We were taking shinkansen on our way to Beppu in Japan. I love traveling by trains and never really had a problem with one….well besides the night train with broken heating on the way from Vienna to Warszaw when the outside temperature dropped to minus 20. But if you ever were so lucky to travel by trains in Japan u know that its a synonym for comfort, hygiene and well organized EVERYTHING. So it really shocked me that I felt as if I was dying during that quiet, not shaky trip….I could actually feel every little movement of the train and each tiny “shake” made me wanna throw my stomach out. I knew something was wrong and it was not food poisoning. On the way from station to our ryokan we bought a test. Whatever the japanese letters meant, I could count those two lines and did not need a special translator. It was a shock. I know that may sound stupid as we both are old enough to know how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, but based on our almost 3 years experience we sort of understood that we can not have kids and took it as a fact. And here I am with a positive pregnancy test and confusion in my head….at that moment I could hear Mr.B’s brain working hard, just as hard as mine. Anyway I don’t believe that this is the most interesting story in the world so to make it shorter. I went through period of initial shock, to the period of not quite understanding or admitting the situation, to the moments when I even forgot about it for a short time until I physically started to feel miserable. I had one week in Vienna when I was in the bed without any possibility to move, as each movement was equal to such sort of dizziness which I never experienced before. I suppose I fought in a normal extent the most known symptoms of pregnancy except for puking. THNAK GOD, because I hate puking, I could never suffer from any eating disorder as my hater for puking is so strong that even when I really have to puke my body denies it and I can’t. During the time when I felt really really really tired and my day shrunk to 5 fully valued hours I was thinking that maybe I should use those moments when I m not moving just lying in the bed and start writing about pregnancy. But that was a bad idea, which I realized within one hour. I am just not the type. Up to now we ignored all the pregnancy books, shops for babies, internet pregnancy forums…I was for very long – till the last possible moment ignoring pregnancy clothes which I find terribly unesthetical. ( I do have some pregnancy shirts already as I am really growing bigger and bigger every day ) Well what should I than write about in terms of pregnancy. I just took it as a fact and as soon as I felt my energy coming back I lived my days as before. Finished semester in Vienna, packed all my belongings to boxes and send them on a trip with Mr.B to exotic place called Warszaw. I did a major cleaning of the flat I lived in for almost 6 years, which included washing huge glass doors and wall panels. I survived and accident when one of those glass doors fell out of the door runner rail and 200kg fell straight on me, my belly and tree huge flowerpots that kept the door 40 cm above the ground so I could “easily” crawl from below them. Simply said I did everything as before apart from continuing my blog. I could not because I felt that I should probably write something about our changing life situation but I was not sure what should that be. Now I’m sitting in Warszaw. It took me two weeks, to unpack, organize, clean, organize, clean and organize all the crap one collects. Mr.B is out of town working, Mr.T is slowed down as he thinks it’s to hot and I am pregnant just as I was one or three months ago. But I just felt that it’s a point for me to start blogging again, to start doing whatever again as time goes by really fast and I don’t have much left before giving birth to Mr.Little who as I heard might be sort of time consuming at the beginning. To begin with after the long break I’ll just post a mix of photos from last months. Sorry to those of you who’ve seen them on instagram….but did I mention already that pregnancy sort of paralyzed me for some time and I was not taking consciously any photos…….

PS1: I want to thank to all of you who still follow me on FB page even though I was not active for past months. I want to thank veeeerrrry much to all those who wrote me private messages and who probably did not even realize how important that was for me….reading that people appreciate things I do in the time when I don’t do any is really crazy helping !!!!!

PS2: There are two polish words I can’t stand from the bottom of my heart : ciężarna – which is the same as if somebody called me ciężarowka, which I know I am but don’t have to be reminded of that. dzidziuś – thats really disaster

PS3: I had to add this one as an explanation. I was asked why I’m ignoring literature about pregnancy…..OMG don’t get me wrong..It’s by far not because I am super hero woman who thinks its cool to not ready pregnancy books or read forums and has all the necessary wisdom and knowledge. ON THE CONTRARY, I am freaking out from how much I don’t know….I don’t know when kids start to talk or walk, if somebody told me that this miracles happens at the age of 3 I would completely take it as fact just as much as I would take it as a fact if somebody told me that one year old people discuss, walk and pee in the toilette. If I am to say the age of a child I use a hand gesture showing the kids approximate hight because I cant say if the kid is two or four….I’m not joking now…I have not been around small kids very often, actually I’ve met some person to person only couple of times in my life. So I’m not a hero here, but I DO HATE how pregnant woman becomes automatically a separate category. Its not female and male anymore. It’s female, male and pregnant woman! And based on my seven months experience I do feel I know what I’m talking about. First it starts with the shock that people you hardly know, people you’ve seen once or twice in your life, people who know your mother or people who you don’t know at all approach you and touch your belly first. WHY? It’s like my belly was not part of me anymore…it is some sort of public belonging, it’s something that has been mounted to my body and I am now to carry it but it belongs to everybody. Than it continues when you stand in the line in the shop checking out the veggies waiting for your happy turn, and there they go, all the women who are waiting in the same line start to talk about you. Is it a boy, is it a girl, how you should dress, what you should eat, what you should drink and how your belly looks. It is up, it is down, it is sticking out too much or it is spreading more to the sides. And u are standing there with this public property mounted to your body, you are sweating like crazy, you need to pee NOW and you know you still have couple of months of this “being a subject” situation ahead of you. And the last thing that gets you is the literature. Why is it that pregnant means automatically usage of different language….probably it is meant as a preparation for small baby talks…don’t know…but suddenly the use of diminutives is massive and everything becomes pink or blue, its all about how you should feel, how the confused future daddy should feel, how you are not you anymore but you are a kangaroo – soon to be a mother – new category again, how you stop existing because you are about to bring a new person to the world which means that for some time you are vanishing and you are not important anymore….All sort of strange new words that I’ve never heard before are used to describe your little one – meaning the new person that grows inside of you, all sorts of things you NEED to – in better case – know….but most of the time fear. All the things you NEED to buy, such blanket, such chair, such electronic babysitter or maybe breathing baby monitor or, or, or…..Pregnancy stops being natural and becomes a commodity. That is why I ignore pregnancy literature….I sort of believe in my body’s natural potential and ability to deal with pregnancy, and in mine that I will be able to deal with the newborn kid and I will not need to spend thousands on necessary items that will become unnecessary thrash in couple of months and I do hope that my ability to speak common language will remain more or less the same.
  

 

  
For those who are so lucky not to be on FB or those who are on FB but don’t follow my almost daily posts on I want to be fool page….here is a small summary of hyper instant iphone shots form last months or so..for such occasions Mr.B got me in present hyper hipster olympus mju so I’ll see if I can be so instant using something else than iphone :)